Ego is having a heyday, catching me off-guard at every turn.
Just yesterday I managed to enter a deep loop of angry victimized judgment and then successfully return to a state of loving empowerment, all in the space of less than ninety minutes.
Today, Tuesday, April 5, is a whole new ballgame.
It is my day to write. Skye and Joy have ventured out on a daytrip, giving me some desperately-desired seclusion.
I start out with good intentions.
Stuffed Frustration
Last night, I retired early after an emotionally exhausting day on Keith’s porch.
But Skye and Joy wanted to have a little dinner party with a couple of new friends who had moved in to spend a few days in the tiny one-bedroom studio apartment right next door. In a heart-felt effort to honor my need for restful quiet, Skye did a very thoughtful thing by deciding to take the party to the neighbor’s porch and kitchen.
But Skye didn’t just take herself next door. Unbeknownst to me, she also borrowed my music speakers and many of my dishes, pans, silverware, and Tupperware.
This morning, when I notice that many of my belongings are missing, I casually ask about the whereabouts of my stuff. I feel quite annoyed and violated by Skye’s response.
“It’s no big deal.” Skye responds. “Everything is just next door. I can go get it later. If we need stuff sooner, you can just go knock on their door.”
Skye’s intentions are pure, genuine, and innocent, and I know with all of my heart that she cannot comprehend why or how I could possibly feel upset at all – but I am almost boiling inside.
“No problem” I respond, stuffing down deep emotions of victimization and frustration.
Pitiful Pouting Unexpressed
“These are my belongings!” I pout silently. “She has no right to loan MY stuff to anyone. She is free to use anything and everything right here in my home, but not to take MY stuff and leave it elsewhere.”
“How dare she be so casual about scattering my belongings around?” I continue my silent pity party. “I don’t know for sure exactly what is missing, and based on Skye’s relaxed nature, I have no confidence regarding whether she even kept track of what she left next door.”
In my feelings of possessiveness and violation, I imagine the worst.
“Since the neighbors just barely moved in, they will not have a clue what is mine and what belongs in their own badly-under-equipped kitchen. They will be moving out in a few days and I may never see my stuff again. I shouldn’t have to deal with this extra stress!”
After Skye and Joy disappear for a daytrip, I note that many of my dishes are still missing from my kitchen. I pout even more when I decide to boil a bag of black beans.
“I need my large pot to cook beans. I shouldn’t have to walk next door to beg for it back, hoping the neighbors will be home when I need my stuff.”
The observer in me is fully aware that I am projecting all over the place – that these emotions are all just silly and petty issues of worldly attachment and ego – that “it is never about what it is about” as Keith would say.
“Why am I so desperately attached to these meager worldly belongings?” I ponder in wild confusion. “None of these things matter in the least. WHY, WHY, WHY is this causing such confusing agitation and resentment in my heart?”
The strength of the emotions is surprisingly overpowering. I am inexplicably consumed by unexpressed anger and frustration – deeply overwhelmed by my stuffed emotions of victimization and violation.
Through it all, I glue a cute fake smile on my face and sulk in my journey with judgment. The thought of verbalizing my frustration to Skye is terrifying – and deep down I fully recognize that it is all my own issue anyway – that I created this reality for a reason.
“Yes,” I tell myself, “it is better to suffer and process my projections on the inside rather than to speak prematurely and to risk offending my dear friend.”
Continued Collapse
The emotions have a huge hold on me, but I am also firmly seated in the loving role of observer – watching myself sink deeper and deeper into the chaotic confusion.
Soon, blaring loudspeakers are blasting in the center of town. It seems that just 75 yards away, a small local basketball tournament is being hosted, and in typical Guatemalan style, everything of such major importance absolutely requires that the speakers be turned up to maximum volume. The noise is earth-shattering (literally).
As I repeatedly attempt to write, I begin to recognize that I am again sinking into the bombarding energies of chaos that have recently come to my awareness. The energies are overwhelming and I cannot seem to handle them right now.
I know that my agitation and chaotic confusion are all a big metaphor – part of my deep process – and I desperately begin to meditate, hoping to find some way out of this energy distress. Just yesterday morning, Keith had asked me to blend with the energy of the Angel Moroni. As I futilely attempt such a connection, I experience absolutely nothing.
My heart feels totally disconnected from the light; my motivation is drained.
In an effort to maintain some type of sanity, I finally give up. For three long meaningless hours I simply play mind-numbing computer games. Then for the next five hours I lose myself in two beautiful movies. I accomplish nothing in the visible realm, but at least I survive the day without exploding under the pressure.
I Love My Roommates
When Skye and Joy return Tuesday evening, we have a delightful discussion in which I share details of my confusing emotional roller coaster ride. We giggle together over dinner and have fun evening chats as well.
But I continue to stuff down the ongoing frustration regarding my missing dishes.
Daunting Dizziness
At about 5:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning, I awaken with a startling sensation – as if something “popped” in the center of my head.
To my shock, as I soon stand up for a quick trip to the bathroom, I suddenly begin to wobble and collapse. Dizziness consumes me as maintaining my balance seems to be an extremely unlikely afterthought. With luck, I manage to fall backward onto the blankets of my little twin bed.
After a few minutes of sitting and regrouping, I make another attempt at wobbly mobility. I am still very dizzy, but manage to walk slowly – as long as I carefully hang on to walls and furniture.
A few minutes later, I am back in bed, meditating and pondering about what has just occurred. I sense a gentle flow of higher energy flowing in through my crown chakra, as if a pleasant morning breeze is blowing slowly into my head. Whatever this energy may be, it is extremely disorienting to a long-shutdown brain. I spend the next few hours in quiet reclining meditation. Each time that I sit up, I am briefly overwhelmed by a period of dizziness – a dizziness that mostly disappears by mid-morning.
Reading Energies
For months Keith has reassured me that I have the capacity to read the energies of others. Several times I have experienced glimpses of such abilities in a very physical way. But these glimpses have been few and far between, leaving many opportunities for doubts to consume a rational mind that continues to throw out frequent road hazards in my journey.
The afternoon chocolate ceremony on Wednesday becomes an amazing opportunity to further erase some of the doubt that still clouds rational mind.
A large group of twenty-five crowd Keith’s porch on this beautiful sunny afternoon. Many in town have heard that Keith is leaving, and they all desire a final opportunity to share in his magical space.
It also seems that a significant percentage of those on the porch today are empaths – a topic that is heavily discussed during the afternoon.
I begin the ceremony feeling quite disconnected and spacey, even reverting to some of my earlier dizziness. I mention the dizziness to Keith, but he agrees with me that it is higher energies that are opening up – nothing physical with which to concern myself.
Soon, I feel more connected and feel strongly guided to begin working with others. I find myself working with a woman who is struggling, being in deep denial about various events in her life regarding her own energy shutdown as a child. Suddenly I feel my throat constrict. It is so scratchy that I can barely talk – so scratchy that breathing without coughing becomes extremely difficult.
“Help, Keith!” I wave across the room. “Is what I am feeling telling me that her throat chakra is shut down?”
“Yup,” Keith replies confidently.
To my surprise, Serg and several others then speak up and indicate that they too are feeling the extremely scratchy and constricted throat sensations.
My only concern is that I cannot seem to find the “off button” and I feel the sensations quite intensely. This definitely gets my attention.
A Bending Head
As Keith and I continue to work with this same woman, she closes her eyes in meditation. I feel intuitively guided to hold my hand just a few inches above and behind her neck, not touching her at all.
Suddenly, less than a second after putting my hand in place, I feel a powerful energy flow leaving my hand. Simultaneously, this woman turns her head down and to the left, turning to face directly at my face before opening her eyes.
“I felt an undeniable pull to turn my head.” She comments with surprise. “It was like I was being sucked in your direction and I could not resist.”
Again, I am blown away at the instantaneous feedback that I receive regarding the effect of intuitively placing my hand two inches behind someone’s neck.
Moving Energy
A while later, I decide to try something Keith told me I was doing on Monday – helping to move the energy of someone else’s ready-to-be-released emotional densities. In spite of the fact that rational mind laughs and says “you are making this all up”, I actually feel the sensation of energy moving.
I practice this budding ability on a couple of dear friends. One tells me that I definitely helped him to bring up a deeper emotional release. Another begins to access profound tears as I engage in the same heart-based energy work with him.
It seems that today my magic is alive and powerful.
Rational mind still has no idea what I am doing, having no clue how to control or make the magic happen – yet something very warm and powerful in my heart seems to know and trust, lovingly reassuring me that what is happening is indeed real and magical.
Trust Yourself
At one point in this amazing afternoon, I am working with a woman, trying to build up her self-confidence.
“Trust yourself.” I tell her with love.
“Listen to your own words, Brenda.” Keith immediately chimes in.
“You have done some powerful healing today on the porch.” Keith continues. “You need to learn to trust who you are, and what you can do and ARE doing.”
Both Skye and Joy quickly jump in with votes of confidence, indicating that they would definitely trust me and come to see me for healing assistance. As my two roommates speak their loving words, several other heads on the porch simultaneously nod in agreement.
I hear their words, I believe their words – and I then immediately place an imaginary hand over my ears and eyes. Something inside will not allow me to fully embrace those beautiful words of encouragement. Perhaps it is fear.
Dizzy to the Max
Near the end of the chocolate ceremony, I meditate for a while as I sit on my favorite overstuffed pillow by Keith’s kitchen door. As I stand to go home, I am quite shocked as I again nearly fall over with dizziness before quickly bracing myself and sitting back down. After Keith checks his guidance, again reassuring me that I will be fine, I walk slowly home with Skye and Joy.
A couple of hours later, Keith stops by to exchange a few computer files. As I stand up to tell him goodbye, I again wobble with dizziness.
At 11:30 p.m., as I get out of bed to scribble a few additional notes regarding my day, I again almost fall onto the floor. I literally feel as if the energy in my head is swirling around in deep circles. I can only imagine that this whirling energy that flows in through my crown is completely re-inventing the world as I know it.
Scissor Saga
With the silliest of provocations, I again enter yet-another strange ego loop on Thursday morning. One of the neighbors comes over early and asks if I have any scissors that he could use to cut his own hair. As I grab a large pair of scissors and hand them over reluctantly, I remember how I felt on Tuesday about my speakers and dishes.
“I will return them as soon as I am done.” He reassures me.
Of course, in the logic of my loopy rational mind, this means that my scissors will be back in my possession in the next hour or so.
“WHY am I so bizarrely attached to this stuff?” I again struggle in quiet observation mode.
To my dismay, four hours later as I wander out to Keith’s porch I am still scissor-less. I am obsessed with the silly saga, deeply confused as to why ego is so strong with this miniscule issue.
For some strange reason, ego has chosen this week to suddenly exert major temper tantrums over the topic of possession. Less than three years ago, I eagerly gave away nearly everything I own, doing so with loving peace, barely batting an eye. Now I am in the depths of despair over a stupid pair of scissors. Go figure.
Giggling Thoughts
I can barely contain my excitement on Thursday afternoon when I learn that Keith is not flying to Canada this weekend. It seems that some very strange events are occurring.
Just this morning, Keith received indirect word from an acquaintance that his friend in Canada is desperately attempting to reach him, wondering why he is not responding.
“It is strange,” Keith shares with the group. “I have sent repeated emails to various addresses throughout the last few weeks, and I have not received one reply.”
“It seems to me that the Universe is preventing communication from occurring in both directions.” I giggle silently as I ponder the thought.
I am soon delighted when Keith shares that it he is not fully sure yet what he will do, but that it feels energetically right for him to stay in San Marcos for a little longer.
Peace settles into my heart as I realize that I will continue to have Keith’s amazing assistance in my life, at least for the short term.
Large-Screen Projections
As the Thursday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I struggle with accessing any type of unconditional love.
“I seem to be looping in ego again,” I tell Keith with frustration as I explain my morning. “It is the same as what happened on Tuesday with my dishes, only even sillier.”
From my energetically-disconnected state, I watch with deep judgment as a woman from New York, in her first-ever visit to Keith’s porch, suddenly becomes the star healer of the day.
“Her behavior is extremely inappropriate,” I whine silently to myself, still pouting on my pillow in a deeply disconnected (and now judgmental) state.
Before long, this woman begins to guide people through energy and chakra meditations. She works her way all over the porch, spending time with most everyone. In my opinion, she is loud and disruptive – so loud that I can barely hear Keith through all of the noise.
“It feels to me like she is spreading ‘fixing energy’ all over the porch,” I ponder with deep judgment.” Instead of following a flow, she is pushing people’s processes in directions that do not serve them well. Why is Keith allowing this?”
And then there is Serg. Suddenly he picks today to begin his own debut as a healer. He too makes his way around the porch working noisily with various people, loudly talking while coaching them through various yogic energy-flow techniques.
Through all the noise, Keith continues to work quietly with others, completely ignoring what to me are extremely inconsiderate distractions.
Adding to the confusion, many people are constantly coming and going, up and down from their seats. I am so annoyed that I want to scream.
It seems that I am projecting big time – projecting so much in fact that perhaps I need a bigger movie screen – perhaps one so big that it would fit only in one of those colossal IMAX theatres.
Reality Flashback
As I write about this experience some six weeks after the fact, I easily recognize that this day on the porch is another of those strange days where Keith was simply following my energy, allowing things to happen that would serve me and my needs. I no longer see the events of that day through the lens of judgment. Instead, I see them as deeply inspired and powerful.
I was literally creating this reality – a reality of chaos and confusion. As it turns out, this chaos and confusion did indeed serve me very well.
Stuck In Chaos
“Why don’t you just go for a walk down to the lake or something?” Keith suggests when I explain my deeply agitated state.
I am deeply puzzled by Keith’s suggestion – one which I ignore. I know myself well enough to know that if I leave, I will not come back. Even worse, the woman from New York has briefly left the porch herself – her destination being a short walk by the lake. The last thing I want to do is bump into her. She is the trigger for most of my major projections.
Help, Mr. Wizard
Around 5:30 p.m., as the porch is now nearly vacant, Keith walks over and sits down beside me. I have already overheard him tell several people that he will meet them in town at 6:00 p.m.. I have little hope of receiving any type of guidance or closure to the extreme chaos that now holds me in its clutches.
“How are you doing, Brenda?” Keith asks with a loving tone.
I explain my crazy energy chaos and my extreme state of continued shutdown.
“Please help me.” I beg. “I don’t know what to do.”
To my surprise, Keith asks one of my friends to remain on the porch, to sit beside me and support me, while he guides me deeper. Ego had already convinced me that I don’t matter, that Keith will never help me at this late hour.
I Was Four
“What age were you?” Keith gets right to work, surprising me with his first question.
I am so shutdown that an answer does not come. Finally, after a couple of minutes of meditation I tell Keith that I was probably nine or ten.
Keith and I discuss the chaos in my life during that time, but it does not feel intuitively correct. I have clear memories from that age, and I don’t remember feeling such chaos then. By age nine I was already deeply conditioned by my programming – trying to be the perfect little Mormon boy – seeking love and validation from others.
As a brief interruption takes Keith to the gate, a little Jedi voice whispers loudly to my heart.
“I was four.” I tell Keith with confidence as he again sits in front of me.
They Are Our Teachers
“Go deeply into your emotions,” Keith quickly guides me, telling me to bring the emotions up to the surface and to let them flow.
“But I thought that I wasn’t supposed to use the trauma-drama approach for emotional release anymore.” I tell Keith with surprise. “I thought I was supposed to try to use higher dimensional energies to transmute such densities now.”
“Where in the world did you get that idea?” Keith asks with surprise, telling me firmly that he never implied any such thing.
“But you are always teaching people to bring in the higher energies, asking them to transmute the densities with light.” I point out to Keith. “You have told us many times that it will take many lifetimes to release all of our densities if we continue to process them through the slower trauma-drama approach.”
“I’m still not done crying.” Keith tells me with firmness and clarity.
Keith’s unexpected statement pulls me back to reality. Yes, using higher dimensional energies is indeed an amazing and much faster way to move many, if not most of the densities in our field – but there are other emotions that absolutely must be felt to the core, to the very bottom of the gut-wrenching tears.
These are issues that we came here to work on in this lifetime. It is important to go deeply into such emotions, because we put them there as our teachers.
Crying For No Reason
As I literally regress back to the emotions of my innocent four-year-old self, many deep emotional memories begin to surface.
Strong memories of profuse crying flood my awareness. I cannot remember one physical reason regarding why I would be crying – I had not been beaten nor physically hurt – but I clearly remember crying unstoppably, and my tantrum was based on emotions of rebellion and resistance, fighting off some type of suppression of my will.
As I immerse myself in these memories, I profoundly feel the helplessness and futility of a deeply misunderstood little boy.
The phrase “I just want to be understood” repeatedly floods my mind.
At that tender age, I cried hard and long, and could not stop. I clearly remember lying on my bed, bawling my eyes out with my mother either sitting on the bed beside me or kneeling on the floor in front of me.
My mother’s approach is one of loving firmness, begging me to stop crying, insisting that I have to stop crying. She never hits or threatens me, but I do have the distinct feeling that she is very frustrated with me, and that she does not like/love me as much when I cry.
“I want to stop crying.” I whimper to my mother through continued tears. “But I can’t stop.”
Finally my mother brings me a glass of water. Somehow a glass of water alters my physical flow just enough that I can stop the otherwise-unstoppable tears. Putting that cool glass of water to my lips and then swallowing always seems to do the trick.
As I reminisce about how the glass of water always helped me stop crying, I clearly remember that needing to drink a glass of water in order to be able to stop crying was a very frequent experience for that young toddler.
A Dizzy Pause
As I regress into the reality of my four year old child, I feel deep emotions beginning to surface inside of me – emotions that I know are begging for deep cathartic release.
But I also feel something else surfacing – a deep need to first run to the bathroom.
As I begin to stand up, a strong bout of dizziness again overwhelms me. After sitting back down to catch my balance, I gradually stand. Keith helps me to the door, at which time I begin to cling to anything and everything around to hold me vertical. Soon I am back on my pillow, still dizzy, but ready to release.
A Dizzy Release
It only takes a minute for my emotions to engage in flash-flood mode. Rivers flow down my cheeks as I cry every type of tear imaginable. My breathing is rapid, deep and very heavy. At times my entire jaw shakes with teeth chattering and rattling. At other times, I cough uncontrollably. And then there are the dry abdominal heaves. Something inside of me desperately wants to get out, and now that the lid has been removed, my body is doing everything humanly possible to rid itself of the deeply rooted emotions.
As layers of deep emotional release burst forth, I begin to give a verbal running commentary of the memories flashing through my consciousness as I continue to sob.
Feelings of deeply repressed anger begin to make themselves known. I have no idea why I am angry, but I know the anger must come up to my awareness and then out. Grabbing a few foam cushions, I begin to hit and punch, physically expressing an emotion that is barely hitting the radar at the conscious level.
“I was angry that I was not allowed to express my tears.” I tell Keith. “I was angry that I had to push everything down and simply do as I was told. I was angry that I did not have a voice. I was angry that I simply had to smile and obey.”
The strongest waves of emotions continue nonstop for more than thirty minutes. Gradually, the waves slow down. When the expressions of intense release finally fade, I gradually sit up on my pillow and open my eyes. A few straggling tears continue to trickle.
Again, I am extremely dizzy, almost too dizzy to even be able to sit upright.
Inside I feel a deep sense of relief.
You’re In Danger …
“Go to glow, Brenda.” Keith quickly guides me.
I am quite familiar with this profound and extremely simple meditation – a meditation where you simply let the smile in your heart find you, where you connect to divine energies and let them radiate from your every pore in oneness with all that is.
As I powerfully immerse myself in the glowing higher energies, I suddenly experience a beautiful gift. My hands tingle profusely, more than I have ever felt before. At the same time, even with a few tears still forming in my eyes, I imagine a huge smile on my heart.
“I need to warn you Brenda,” Keith interjects with a firm voice. “You’re in danger of giggling with joy.”
Hidden Gifts
As I go deeper into the glow, I begin to feel my hands lighting up, big time, as if huge spot lights are powerfully radiating out of the center of each of my palms. Then I begin to feel the familiar sensation of lightning bolts streaming out of my fingertips. Again these are not as powerful as those from last fall, but they are indeed very strong.
Several people on the porch come over to place their hands above my upward-pointing finger tips. Each can feel the powerful flow of energy.
The energy is so amazing that I feel like a child in a candy store. For another half hour, I play with my new energy gift while enjoying a delightful conversation with Keith. We talk about anything and everything – conversations about today, about the dizziness that I am experiencing, and about my ongoing awakening process.
But my favorite topic is discussing the amazing magical gifts that are opening up in my awareness – gifts that continue to grow and expand with every layer of emotional processing. Yes, as more densities and old belief systems melt away, more amazing energy is simultaneously lighting up inside of me.
Bring It On
I eventually begin to give the energy to myself, first channeling it into my heart, then my abdomen, then my throat and finally my third-eye. Eventually, I have an entire vibrating ball of energy surrounding my head. It feels so amazing. Soon, I playfully expand the ball to encompass the entire porch.
I am overflowing with radiating joy as I giggle and play with the energies, allowing my imagination to create, to believe, and to feel. The physical vibrations in my own body are undeniable, allowing me to simply revel in the reality of the magic I am experiencing.
At 7:00 p.m., as I finally stand to walk home, the dizziness is so overwhelming that I know I will need assistance in walking. Soon, Serg and another friend sandwich me in the middle, lovingly stabilizing me through what is normally a ten minute walk to my door. Today it takes twenty.
This emotional deep-sea-diving expedition is turning out to be quite painful – but I am thrilled by the unfolding results – thrilled by the increasing clarity in my energy field.
No matter how much emotional heartache I need to suffer in the release process, if the end result is going to be this type of energetic, joyful, and magical expansion, then all I can say is …
Bring It On.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved