As much as I continue to crave isolation, I must say that I love my new roommate Skye. Her friend Joy is also sharing my second bedroom, but has not yet decided what she will do for the longer term.
Early Wednesday morning, I quickly become enthralled in a beautiful conversation with Joy. Even though she is less than half my age, I learn that we have a great deal in common – we are on similar journeys of spiritual seeking, we both love A Course In Miracles and we both love Byron Katie. After several hours of delightful discussions, I smile at Joy, and extend an open invitation.
“I’m not sure if you know what your plans are yet,” I express lovingly to my new friend, “but you can definitely live here if that is where your heart guides you. I would love having your energy around.”
The Universe never ceases to amaze me. Ever since moving into my cozy little apartment last September, I have been blessed with one beautiful roommate after another. There is no doubt in my heart that each one was guided into my life for a beautiful and specific purpose. I cannot wait to see what the next few weeks may bring.
No Feedback Required
In the chocolate ceremony on Wednesday, I am again riding high on a beautiful wave of glowing light. Throughout the afternoon, I feel as if I am providing powerful and valuable assistance to others, greatly helping in their processes – and by doing so I feel my own energies strengthen and further heal.
Yet an ego part of me doubts and would greatly appreciate a validating and reassuring pat on the back.
“Keith,” I ask casually toward the end of group. “Can you give me a little feedback about what I have been doing on the porch today?”
“Brenda,” Keith skillfully replies, “you already know exactly what you have been doing on the porch today. You don’t need any feedback from me.”
Keith is right … I do know … yet a whining little voice still insists that what I believe of my own accord is not real – that to make it real, to really believe it, to really know it, I must hear it directly from Keith.
It looks as if I still need to work on trusting myself.
Roommate Heaven
Have I said yet that I love my new roommates? Skye, Joy and I spend a delightful Wednesday evening, munching, giggling, and engaging in deep conversation at a local restaurant. I am already growing so much from having them around.
“Thank you God, Universe, All That Is, Angels, and any other form of Higher Energy and Being-ness.” I think to myself. “I love life.”
Unleashing Imagination
After a quick boat trip to Panajachel, I am right back on Keith’s porch early on Thursday afternoon. It is the last day of March – one of the most amazing healing months in my life – and I am eager to continue that ongoing journey.
As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets into full swing, I continue to feel as if I am surfing on a wave of light. My heart begs me to open up even further, to share more of that light with others.
When Keith guides one woman to visualize a basket in her subconscious mind, I opt to share her process, entering into my own simultaneous meditative journey.
“It is time work more with my magical theme park.” I suddenly realize as I discover the existence of a precious little magic wand in my basket.
I follow this metaphor for a while, not making much progress at all until Keith briefly checks in with me.
“Get on two rides at once.” Keith gives me an unexpected clue regarding my theme park.
As I further ponder, leaving rational mind behind while attempting to embrace Keith’s interesting suggestion, I begin to question the structured nature in which I have been visualizing my theme park.
I suddenly realize something quite profound.
“The secret to my magic is not in understanding the rides themselves.” I light up with delightful recognition. “The secret to my magic is to more fully embrace imagination – to embrace a deep sense of childlike belief, wonder, excitement, and joy for the creative process.”
For three long weeks, ever since discovering the existence of my magical theme park, I have tried to visualize specific already-created Disneyland-type rides, relying on someone else’s creativity and imagination to do the job for me. I now realize that this is all backwards.
“I literally have an entire Holodeck in my head.” I recognize with excitement. “I can create whatever reality I choose, using my own creativity and imagination. The magic in my theme park is not about copying someone else’s blueprints – it is about unleashing the unlimited potential of my own imagination.”
(For those of you who are not Star Trek fans: A Holodeck is a science-fiction place where computer-generated holographic realities can be created and experienced in such a physical way that they seem and feel as if they are experienced as real life.)
New Possibilities
“Brenda,” Keith unexpectedly interrupts my meditation as he works with a woman named Melissa.
“Bring Melissa into your theme park with you.” He continues. “Or perhaps extend your theme park to reach around and to include her.”
I quickly shift gears and again attempt to honor Keith’s guidance. Soon, I stretch my imagination to new possibilities, visualizing that the boundaries of my theme park expand to include this beautiful woman who sits only a few feet in front of me. Finally, she is seated right in the middle of my theme park.
The energy in my hands – in fact all of the energies in my body – come alive with excitement as I focus on bringing magic to this woman whom I have never met. I love the concept of her enjoying my theme park – and I also love the tingling energy that floods my body.
I momentarily ponder part of a powerful line in my personal mission statement: “… creating a safe and loving environment where others can discover …”
“Yes,” I excitedly realize the possibilities, “part of creating a safe loving environment for others is to surround them with my magic, thus inspiring them to access their own hidden magic.”
Shouldering Responsibility
After a magical adventure into imagination and tingling energies, the flow of my meditative journey begins to shift dramatically.
As I notice that my shoulders begin to ache with sharp pain, especially the left one, I cease mediation and begin to observe what is occurring in my body, saying absolutely nothing to anyone.
Keith soon wanders over to my position, reaches over to place his fingertips on my left shoulder, and asks, “What is going on now?”
Shocked by Keith’s uncanny awareness of pain that he could not possibly have been aware of with rational mind, I fill him in on my journey and begin to ponder a response.
“I think my shoulder pain is related to feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.” I begin to reply.
“It is related to life-long responsibilities, obligations and burdens,” I continue, “to all of the reasons why I cannot have more fun, to why I am so serious.”
As I attempt to further relax my shoulders, they only become increasingly painful, as if knives are literally sticking into the depths of every muscle. First the pain is in the outer reaches of my shoulders. Gradually it moves into the very middle, registering itself right below the neck. Finally the deeply aching pain spreads back out to include my entire shoulder and neck region.
Little by little, the intensity of the pain continues to gradually increase – soon reaching agonizing and almost intolerable levels.
Loving The Pain
“It is time to love this pain.” Keith tells me in an interesting paradoxical twist.
“This pain is the manifestation of a part of you who carries the responsibility of keeping you safe from taking on more burdens and more responsibility – from over taxing yourself.” Keith continues.
Keith goes on to explain that my shoulders have been energetically performing this job at my own request, and that they have been doing it for many, many years. My shoulders have been extremely loyal in keeping me safe, doing exactly what I asked them to do to protect me.
“This intense pain is now attempting to get your attention,” Keith adds, “telling you that it is not safe to take on the burden of more magical abilities. People will be coming to you asking for healing assistance, and you will have less and less time for yourself. You will be overburdened with the chaos of losing control of your life because of the massive changes that this new magic will bring.”
I can almost hear my shoulders screaming “No, no, no … don’t do it … we have enough responsibility already … please don’t take on more by opening up your magic!”
A Common Journey
As I focus on sending deep love and gratitude to the shoulder pain, I thank it for delivering a profound message. I make no attempt to fix the pain, nor do I demand that it subside to give me peace. Instead, I realize that this is a process of self-discovery and growth – a metaphorical process that I must simply follow – one that will complete exactly when it is time.
“I went through a similar process.” Keith encourages me. “In fact most all healers go through something like this as they begin to open up their magic.”
Yes, opening up such magic will indeed bring with it the responsibility to share. But a little voice inside tells me that the light and energy flowing through my body will more than compensate for what the “old me” might have perceived as burdens.
Still, much fear remains buried. Emotional densities continue to clog many energy channels in my field. Each of these emotional blocks must be brought to the light before the magic is fully unveiled.
Higher Help
In my feeling of “not knowing what to do”, I make a meditative plea to my Higher Self.
“Please help me bring in more love.” I ask Higher Self. “And help me find a meaningful way to send and to express the love and gratitude to this part of myself – to these beautiful shoulders that have carried such a difficult burden throughout the years.”
To my delight, as I complete this heartfelt request, I begin to feel a delightful tingling energy filtering throughout my body.
“Now you are making some great progress.” Keith quickly interjects.
I am again surprised by Keith’s quick comment, because I had not told him anything at all about what I was doing.
“Congratulations on bringing in the higher energies.” Keith adds after I fill him in. “This whole process was all something that you planned at a much deeper level – something that you would not be able to accomplish on your own without the help of higher energies.”
It is clear to me that what is happening is not anything to be fixed, but is instead something to be loved and followed as an unfolding metaphor – a metaphor that will take me on a continuing healing journey.
Enjoying Pain
Even with ongoing discussion and clarity, the pain continues to increase. Somehow, in spite of the pain, I create a genuine smile on my face while conversing with Keith and others.
But the pain is excruciating and unbearable. While I am not particularly excited about the aching itself, I do find myself quite excited about the healing journey being shown to me by the pain.
For the last week or two, I have been considering getting some deep body work on my shoulders and neck.
“After our work today,” I share with Keith, “I don’t think I want to pursue that physical work right now. It seems to me that massages and such might be taken by my body as an attempt to fix rather than to send love.”
Metaphorical Pain
“Brenda,” a friend on the porch interrupts, “my hands are begging me to come over to send love to your muscles. It is not about fixing them, but simply sending them love. Would that be OK?”
“Absolutely yes,” I reply with a painful giggle.
My dear friend works on me for over thirty minutes. I love and cherish the attention, but the pain in my shoulders does not diminish at all.
But to my delight, as the long afternoon ceremony comes to a close, I do begin to feel a gradual relaxation of the aching. By later that evening, the pain is completely gone – another beautiful signal that the sharp aching is not actually physical, but is instead metaphorical, being given to me as a powerful healing message from my subconscious mind.
A Summarized Ceremony
The chocolate ceremony today has been powerful and mind-boggling on two fronts.
First is the powerful recognition that my magic is not about formulas, structure, or copying the creativity of others – it is about embracing and unleashing the power of my own inner creativity and imagination.
Second is the understanding that a great deal of fear and resistance continue to discourage me from continuing forward – proclaiming that such magical pursuits will only get me in more trouble – reminding me that as a child I shut my magic down for a reason, and that opening it up again will only overwhelm my life with more chaos.
I honor both lessons. The magic is indeed real, and yes, so is the fear. I choose to love them both.
Roommate Rejoicing
After a delightful dinner and an entertaining evening of bagging 200 pounds of chocolate on Keith’s porch, I am elated by the late-night announcement of my new friend Joy.
“Brenda,” Joy giggles with excitement. “If your offer is still good, I would be thrilled to remain right here during my time in San Marcos. I love it here.”
Heart-Warming Feedback
In addition to Joy’s announcement, today has been a day filled with beautiful heart-warming feedback.
This morning, a friend shared with me on the street, “Brenda, I hope Keith understands what a powerful presence you are on his porch.”
During ceremony, as I had again asked for brief feedback, one woman told me, “Brenda, you don’t appreciate or realize just how powerful you are.”
This evening, during dinner, another gentleman had told me, “You helped me so much today. Thank you for everything you did.”
And then my new friend Lisa, during her final visit to Keith’s porch today, again told me, “I came all the way to San Marcos because of you. I would definitely seek you out as a healer.”
I don’t know why I continue to doubt myself. It is probably because I have a birds-eye view of all of the dense emotions and disempowering belief systems that continue to block my path. Others see me at my best, through outside eyes. I continue to see myself through inner eyes of old belief system and self-doubt.
While drifting off to sleep, reveling in the beautiful feedback that I received today, I again reflect on something Keith told me last summer when I had asked if it is actually possible that I might be able to develop the ability to do what he does.
“Brenda,” Keith had shared with me, “the only difference between you and me is that I know I can, and you believe that you cannot.”
A joyful grin consumes my tired face.
“Could it really be that easy?” I ponder while disappearing into dreamland. “Can it really be as simple as believing in myself? … as believing in the magical theme park that lies dormant and buried inside? … as believing in the unlimited creative power of my imagination?”
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved