Waiting for a private session with Keith feels as if I am a child excitedly waiting for her first trip to Disneyland. As strange as it may seem, I am eager and anxious to dig into some of the most painful memories and emotions of my life. Well, it may be a bit more accurate to say that I am eager and anxious to begin healing those buried emotions and memories.
At 7:00 a.m. on Thursday morning I decide to give myself a head start by consuming a full 1.5 ounce ceremonial dose of pure ground cacao with my breakfast oatmeal. The chocolate spirit does not delay long in leading me precisely where I need to go.
An Abundance of Self Hatred
By 7:45 a.m. I find myself in my bedroom, bawling my eyes out on my pillow while I deeply re-experience glimpses of the intense self-hatred that began to build momentum at around eleven years of age. That enormous load of putrid self-directed anger, shame and disgust continued to grow in intensity throughout my teens and twenties.
Most of that self-deprecation was aimed directly at my inability so suppress and bury that horrid curse of phallic energy, combined with the sexual and moral guilt of being such a pervert for wishing I could be a girl – for carrying such a terrible evil fantasy around inside of me. The indescribable power of my gender confusion was relentless and overwhelming.
Failure stared at me around every corner – failure to control my frightening gender wars – failure to reign in the evil sexual energy of that phallic anvil – and failure to fully honor the moral laws of deeply held religious beliefs.
I found myself lying to church leaders, lying to my parents, and lying to myself – a great combination for being a shameless hypocrite.
Yet through it all, I struggled to be genuinely righteous, to live God’s laws as I knew them, to repent of the evil inside me, to shake myself free of the gender curse that seemed to be shackled to my very soul.
Throughout those difficult and confusing years, I lived two separate lives.
On the surface, I was a genuine, happy, and productive young man. I was an honor-roll student, an Eagle Scout, sang in the choir, worked hard, and appeared to be quite normal in many ways.
But beneath that outer mask, deep in the core of my heart, I felt as if I were an utter loser, a fraud, a fake, an embarrassment to family and religion. There was no laughter in my soul, and the smile on my face was only a genuine attempt to hide the hidden shame. The evil and misunderstood energies in my heart seemed to be tossing me against sharp rocks during a wild and turbulent ocean storm.
Saying that my youth and early adult years were plagued with self-hatred would be a complete understatement.
Piles of Tissue
As I painfully re-experience the deep emotions of my youth, I recall countless memories of deep and angry attempts at shutting down and suppressing my sexual energies. But it was not just the sexual energies that I targeted – it was also the creative energies. I was terrified that any creative expression would further expose my feminine side – something I desperately attempted to mask and bury from all inquiring eyes.
As guilty as I felt about the gender explorations, part of me actually craved and relished the beautiful emotions and energies that always accompanied such feminine excursions. It was that dastardly phallic anvil that invariably ruined everything. I hated that ugly male appendage with deep passionate anger. If only it would simply go away and leave me alone – permanently.
For forty-five minutes I lay on my bed, throwing piles of used tissues on the floor while releasing layer after lay of gut-wrenching sobs. In the midst of violent teeth chattering, coughing, gasping for breath, and rapid breathing, I am determined to feel and release as much of the bottled-up pain from my youth as humanly possible.
Finally I force myself to gather in the sobs, and to temporarily take a breather in the wild ride of my emotional release. It is time to take a ten-minute walk toward the eastern edge of San Marcos.
At the Bottom
As I finish explaining my morning process to Keith, he instructs me to connect with one of my guides. I feel three of them surrounding me with loving support as Keith scurries into his house to retrieve a much needed commodity – more toilet paper. It seems that I am not yet done crying.
In the meantime, I begin to violently hit and punch a pile of three foam cushions that I hold in my lap. Doing so enables me to access more of the buried anger, unleashing a flash flood of tears that rages on for another half hour.
“I feel as if I need to vomit.” I finally exclaim as weakness begins to consume my stomach.
“Now is the time to bring in the light.” Keith responds unexpectedly. “The need to vomit is a signal that you have reached a new emotional layer, and you are getting the metaphor to ‘throw it up’. It is time to bring in some higher assistance.”
Frightened, Suspicious Dogs
As I begin to bring in the light, the first image that pops into my mind is that of a frightened puppy, a terrified little doggie being lovingly held in the arms of my dear inner-child Sharon. The scared little guy is shaking as Sharon patiently smothers him with love.
Almost immediately, however, the internal metaphor expands. Suddenly I visualize the puppy as being an abused San Marcos street-dog – a skittish and frightened dog, starved and deprived of loving attention, nervous of everyone and everything moving around him.
Just as quickly, the metaphor shifts to be a wild and protective junkyard dog, similar to a few that had chased me on my bicycle while I rode around the backcountry of Cozumel. Seconds later this lone dog begins to expand into an entire junkyard filled with skittish, skinny, frightened and extremely suspicious dogs. In fact, I intuitively realize that there is one dog for each organ in my abdomen – one for the bladder, the gall bladder, the liver, the stomach, the spleen, etc…
As I one-by-one take mental inventory of each additional organ, I visualize yet another nervous and frightened dog living inside of me. A whole herd of shaking and jumpy dogs is metaphorically residing inside of my abdomen, and I am beginning to feel the unruly commotion in a very uncomfortable physical way.
Belly Button Bottle
As I further ponder this amazing subconscious metaphor, I feel my heart energy sending tiny connecting threads to my belly button. Soon, the inside of my belly button transforms metaphorically into the nipple of a baby bottle, providing loving nourishment to any starving dog in my abdomen that wishes to participate. My little child, Sharon, is sitting next to the nipple, lovingly allowing the dogs to drink from the love of my heart.
Gradually I feed more and more dogs. The flow of love seems to increase as I feel the level of trust begin to expand. These love-starved dogs are desperate for nourishment, but still quite tentative in their ability to extend trust. That loving trust must be slowly earned.
After what feels like a very long time, I sense that all of the dogs are tentatively taking their turns in receiving nourishment – but they are still extremely cautious and non-forgiving, as abused adult dogs often are.
I am not at all sure how to proceed.
Darling Dalmatians
“Why don’t you turn them all back into puppies?” Keith asks unexpectedly.
After getting over my initial doubts, I decide to use my imagination to follow Keith’s suggestion. After all, puppies are much more forgiving and quick to develop trust than are hardened and abused junkyard dogs.
Soon, my abdomen is bouncing around with a huge kennel of darling Dalmatian puppies, playfully jumping and tumbling around as they enjoy the loving nourishment being provided through my belly button. Sharon is right in the middle, giggling and rolling around with them as they lick her face.
As I put the puppy metaphor on autopilot, I enjoy a few minutes of simply observing the fun while engaging in a brief conversation with Keith. It seems that our private session has already reached the three-hour mark and the 12:30 afternoon ceremony is rapidly approaching.
Niagara Falls
Unexpectedly, the afternoon session is extremely small – just me and one other woman. The ceremony evolves into a beautiful exploration of silent meditation.
“Where are you at Brenda?” Keith briefly checks in at the start of our meditation.
“I’m trying to bring in more energy,” I reply curiously, “but it is a very slow process, and I feel somewhat stuck.”
“Ask your Higher Self to help you open up the channel a little.” Keith gives me an obvious answer.
This is the last answer I would have thought of, being someone who always tries to do things by myself.
After checking in with Higher Self and asking for assistance, I imagine myself in a beautiful pool with my kennel of playful puppies. They all want to swim and play in the water – but the water is not currently deep enough.
Looking around in my meditation world, I find a large faucet and turn it on, beginning to add water to the pool. But the water level in the pool does not rise. I imagine the flow turning up a notch, soon turning into a small waterfall – but still the pool does not fill. I increase the size of the waterfall, making it larger and more powerful – but still the pool does not get deeper. I again increase the flow, but again no luck.
Finally I decide to envision all of Niagara Falls pouring into my little pool – but still the water level in the pool does not rise.
Flowing Energy
“Hmm,” I think to myself. “Perhaps my metaphor is not about filling a pool after all. Maybe it is about flowing the energy of water rather than storing that energy.”
I soon forget all about my puppies and shift gears into a whole new world of metaphors.
Just for a brief moment, I notice a fly on my arm, tickling my skin as it crawls along.
“I need to be more sensitive to the tickles in my skin.” I immediately realize. I need to begin to sense this powerful energy flowing in my hands.
Soon, I imagine and feel myself standing inside of a tunnel underneath the raging flow of Niagara Falls. This is an actual place that I once visited with my family. The energetic power of that rushing water is overwhelming, awe inspiring, rumbling and shaking my bodily energy to the core.
As I imagine this amazing memory of the incredible power of Niagara Falls, I begin to feel the energy currents flowing gently through my head, down my neck, into my heart, out my shoulders, down my arms, and onward through the tips of my fingers. While placing my fingertips gently on the ground, I suddenly realize that the energy is not flowing below my heart. It has stopped at the exact top of my Solar Plexus.
A Huge Rock Wall
The metaphor immediately takes another sudden twist. I imagine my tummy as a huge rock wall at the base of Niagara Falls. I continually take my memory back to the energizing power inside the tunnel behind the falls. Simultaneously I begin to envision the rock wall being gradually eroded by the thundering power of the energy flowing down from above.
For much of the next hour, I progressively feel the physical sensation of energy inching its way slowly down my abdominal wall, chewing delicately away at the hard layers of emotional densities, finally reaching the bottom of my abdominal cavity before flowing down my legs.
As the energies finally begin to flow freely, I find the sensations to be quite pleasurable.
Basking In The Flow
For what must be at least two more hours, I bask in this amazing flow of powerful energy, occasionally carrying on a brief conversation with Keith, but usually simply enjoying this wonderful silent journey.
Every once in a while I feel a slight pain in my abdomen. As I focus on the pain, watching the energy pour over it, the pain gradually erodes and washes away to nothingness. But for the most part, the energy is powerful, soothing, cleansing, and energizing.
Excitement fills my heart as I begin to realize that there really are fun and exciting ways to work with energy – that deep tears are not the only way to cleanse buried emotion.
Crystal Clarity
Friday, March, 18, turns out to be a very relaxing, energy filled day.
At the start of the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I take note that an area of my forehead, right behind my third-eye chakra, continues to let me know that all is not well in my sixth chakra. But my third-eye chakra seems to be a very long-term project – one that does not call for my attention today. I trust that its magical grand opening will happen in due time.
Today, I feel guided to work further on a few new emotional densities that are manifesting themselves in my abdomen.
Keith has a new crystal in his collection – a beautiful quartz globe. This amazing crystal is calling me. I keep it very close and safe.
As I sit with this dazzling quartz globe, I begin to feel energy flowing into my lower chakras – energy that gradually dissolves the painful densities that occasionally manifest themselves in my abdomen. Throughout the quiet relaxed ceremony, I mostly sit with my new favorite crystal, allowing it to feed me with energy on a nearly continual basis.
Gratitude fills my heart for the loving energy that flows with abundance.
Reunion Anticipation
After a relaxed and peaceful Saturday of writing, I do something I have not done in a couple of months. I feel a strong call to attend a full-moon graduation ceremony at the Pyramids. Not only is my friend Jody finishing up her amazing Sun Course, but my friend-to-be Lisa is also graduating from her Moon Course.
As you may recall, several weeks ago, a mysterious woman named Lisa appeared for a couple of ceremonies on Keith’s porch. After her first ceremony, as she left early to go to meditation at the Pyramids, she pulled me aside and told me “Brenda, I have been reading your blog for most of the last year. I am here in San Marcos because of you.”
I am extremely eager for an opportunity to further connect with Lisa. I want to know more about her, and how she stumbled across my writings. Tonight, as silence is broken in a powerful ceremony at the beautiful Pyramid temple, the ideal opportunity presents itself.
Finding Lisa
As people engage in post-graduation visiting, I begin my search around the pyramid temple. When I finally spy Lisa, I note that she is sitting on her meditation stool, lightly crying with her eyes closed.
Quietly I sneak up and sit cross-legged on the floor in front of her, gently placing my energized hands on her knees. A few minutes later she opens her eyes and smiles with surprise.
“Two times I have cried here in San Marcos,” Lisa begins with a grin, “and both times you have been there supporting me.”
Seconds later we are embracing with a huge hug, followed by a delightful introductory conversation. I learn only a few details regarding how she stumbled across my blog, and about her life and family. I am eager to continue our conversation over dinner tomorrow, but for now, Lisa is starved (as I remember being after my own Moon Course) and has plans to meet with friends.
Glowing With Love
Sunday afternoon, as the chocolate ceremony moves into full swing, my all-too-familiar lower chakra densities also return – but only in a mild way.
“I feel no metaphors unfolding, no need to process any of my own emotions today.” I tell Keith when he checks in with me.
“What does that tell you?” Keith inquires.
“That I want to practice my magic today.” I reply eagerly.
“Do you have someone in mind?” Keith quickly rebounds.
“Yes, I feel drawn to go work with Jane over there.” I bounce back.
“That is who I was thinking of too.” Keith responds, turning me loose to practice my magic.
After sharing a great deal of light energy with Jane, I slowly work my way around the porch, following my intuitions to wherever I feel guided. I love such magical days when my heart just glows and overflows with love.
Throughout the process, I envision myself as a child, with the people I am working on also being children. I imagine each of them sitting in the various Disneyland-type rides of my magical theme park.
Yogi Bear
“Can you give me a little feedback on my processing?” I ask Keith, after briefly explaining what I am doing.
“Go into an open area of the theme park.” Keith quickly begins guiding me. “Look for some type of character or person that is hiding from your vision.”
“It makes no sense at all to me,” I soon reply, “but I feel as if Yogi Bear is hiding behind a building – and his little friend Boo-Boo is right there with him.”
“What do you suppose that means?” Keith asks me to interpret my own metaphor.
“Perhaps it is another reminder that it is time to be playful.” I begin to speculate. “It is time to break a few rules, to go out in nature for a few more picnic lunches, time to giggle and laugh, time to live the simpler life, time to quit taking everything so seriously.”
Powerful Heart
Before I have an opportunity to pursue my metaphor further a friend of mine stops by the porch looking quite frazzled. Without even a second thought, I know exactly what to do.
“Would you like to sit here in front of me?” I ask my friend.
Seconds later I am filling her with loving high-vibration energies, helping to calm down her energy.
Keith proceeds to guide her through some powerful empath assistance. My friend is deeply struggling with the energy of the aftermath of the massive earthquake in Japan. I am amazed by my own intuitive response. I know that I am not the primary player in guiding my friend back to a loving calm state, but I do know that my powerful heart has been a major participant in the process. Gratitude flows through my soul.
Blush-Filled Feedback
Sunday evening, Lisa and I finally get together for a fabulous three and a half hour conversation – a delightful getting-to-know-you session of sharing stories on both sides.
“Brenda, your writing has deeply inspired my path.” Lisa shares lovingly. “In fact, I have gone back to the beginning and read everything that you have ever published in your blog.”
“I am so honored to have you in my life.” I respond with equal sentiment, thrilled to discover how my words are impacting another.
“Brenda,” Lisa continues unexpectedly. “Everyone comes back from Keith’s ceremonies and talks about how amazing you are, what a presence you have, and how they all wish you would work on them.”
“Seriously? They really say that?” I ask with surprised shock.
I want to believe Lisa’s words, but at the same time I also want to reject those words, to minimize them.
Deep in my heart, I do know that my heart is opening in a very powerful way, that I am engaging in my own very deep and intense personal work, and that my process is having a very influential impact on others that frequent Keith’s porch.
But I am also genuinely afraid of building up ego. With all my heart I know that everything I am doing is merely flowing through me. The energy I share is not my own, it is being channeled from higher sources. Likewise, the light I sometimes shine is simply a part of my own healing process.
“I really don’t know what I am doing, other than trying to heal my own life, and then write about the process.” I tell Lisa humbly.
I blush as I ponder the joyful emotion of realizing that this personal healing process is in some small way inspiring and blessing the lives of others.
In addition to making a beautiful new friend, the last few days have found me bawling my brains out while immersed in deep self-hatred, attempting to tame frightened and skittish junkyard dogs, exploring the magic of “puppy love”, basking in the energy of Niagara Falls, and even playing with Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo.
I eagerly look forward to discovering how my healing process continues to unfold. It seems to be getting more magical every single day.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved