My hands vibrate as I place them beside me on the wooden bench of the boat while we zoom across beautiful Lake Atitlan. Peace fills my heart as I enjoy this much-needed Monday-morning trip across the lake to Panajachel. I have errands to run, and also hope to avail myself of the opportunity to connect with a few friends on Skype.
As I sit in a little booth just inside the door of a noisy internet café, I place my hands flat on the table in front of me, one on either side of the keyboard. While talking via my headset, I again feel a powerful and constant loving vibration in those hands as I engage in a long and delightful Skype conversation with my dear friend Michelle.
After nearly an hour, Michelle suddenly interrupts.
“Brenda, I can’t believe it,” Michelle tells me with deep surprise. “I just realized that I am playing with my arm up above my head and it is completely pain-free. I am shocked because the pain has been so bad that I haven’t been able to lift my arm like this for several months.”
“I just asked my intuition what happened,” Michelle continues, “and I was strongly told that it was you … that your energy made my shoulder stop hurting.”
I am blown away by Michelle’s surprising words. The only thing I am doing is sending loving vibrating energy with my heart while engaging in a deeply energized spiritual conversation with my friend.
A while later, while engaged in another Skype conversation, my dear friend Jeanette comments about the vibrating energy that she also senses coming to her through the phone from thousands of miles away.
As I rush back across the lake, hoping to return in time for the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I strike up a conversation with a tourist from Texas. After briefly sharing my morning experiences with this woman – a woman I have never met – she too comments that she feels a strong energetic vibration flowing from me.
Again, as I hurry from the boat dock back to my apartment, I bump into my friend Rebecca, who unexpectedly comments about the powerful energetic presence she feels emanating from me.
At the start of the chocolate ceremony, I am still vibrating, overflowing with love and wonderment.
“Is it possible that my energy actually healed Michelle’s shoulder?” I enthusiastically ask Keith as I briefly share the amazing tale of my morning.
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith responds, “what you were doing is sending pure unconditionally loving energy to Michelle.”
Keith goes on to clarify that this type of healing usually makes the symptoms of an illness go away for a short period of time, giving the recipient a peaceful break from their struggles long enough for them to find a little clarity and to make new choices in their life.
Sure enough, in a brief exchange with Michelle a couple of days later, she tells me that she was indeed pain-free for most of Monday, but the symptoms returned later that same night.
Returning Energies
As I begin to meditate in the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I feel a slight pressure on my sternum, directly above my heart chakra. The pressure is quite forceful and focused.
“Is the energy you feel wanting to flow in or out?” Keith asks me, desiring that I find the answer myself.
“In.” I respond with confidence after meditating briefly. “This is a part of me that I pushed out when I was young – a part of me that now wants to return.”
“How old were you when you pushed this energy away?” Keith follows up.
“It feels like I was four or five.” I reply intuitively, not quite sure if I trust what I am feeling.
Keith soon validates that his own intuitions agree.
As I begin to focus on allowing these energies to re-integrate, I feel distracted and don’t seem to feel much of anything flowing into the front of my heart chakra.
“It may take a week or more for these energies to return.” Keith reassures me. “In the meantime, try inviting them in through your crown chakra or through the back of your heart chakra. Just allow the process to happen in its own time and way.”
Keith’s comments release my feeling of urgency, and I almost immediately begin to feel a slight flow of energy entering both my crown and the back of my heart.
But before I spend much time pursuing this pleasant energy flow, Keith asks me to begin assisting others.
A Little Powerhouse
For the remainder of an amazing ceremony, I am back in a deeply vibrating state – a state of glowing with unconditional love that I radiate and share with others. Several times Keith coaches me, asking me to verbalize my intuitive insights while assisting others – but mostly I simply share powerful energy with my hands and my heart – something that is now feeling quite natural for me when I am in such a deeply connected state.
“Wow, you’re a little powerhouse.” One gentleman comments to me as the amazing group comes to an end.
I simply giggle and smile inside. I love ceremonies like the one today, but I also intuitively know that my own deep internal processes are far from complete. I have much to work on.
Perhaps the Universe is simply giving me a much-needed break from my own emotional processing – providing me with a delicious taste of the magical gifts that are beginning to open up inside of me – giving me a hope-inspiring glimpse into what might be possible as I continue doing my own deep inner work.
Revolving Roommates
Tuesday evolves as a mixture of cleaning, laundry, and writing. Rae just left on Sunday and my new roommate will be arriving tomorrow. There is much to be done. This new housing situation both confuses and delights me. Even before connecting with Anton, I had begun my healing of “male-energy rejection” by developing a budding friendship with a young man named Peter – the same young man that I met on the day after Valentines Day – an amazing day in which I had experienced a powerful heart opening.
While Peter was studying Spanish in Xela, he had emailed me, indicating that he wanted to return to San Marcos to do some more intuitive work with Keith.
“I will have a spare bedroom by the time you get back here.” I had replied to Peter.
“This is so unlike me,” I had continued in my response, “but my intuition strongly guides me to offer my spare bedroom to you if you would like to stay here for a week or two.”
As I pause over the send button on my email, I cringe with fear, actually hoping that Peter will turn down the offer. My relationship with Peter is strictly friends – but even so, the idea of having a male friend living under my roof goes completely against my religious upbringing.
“What will people think?” A long-buried voice protests with a feeling of sheer terror.
I simply smile and ignore that feeble voice. A much more powerful voice reassures me that having a male roommate for a week or two will be another huge step in liberating myself from the repression of past belief systems – further freeing myself from the excessive rejection of male energy that continues to taunt me.
A Magic Wand
Shortly after drinking my chocolate, I am quickly visited by two interlocked metaphors that are now quite common – a very familiar presence of cloudy pressure in my forehead combined with a rumbling pain in my solar plexus. It seems that these metaphors are now returning on a daily basis, letting me know in a very physical way that there is something inside of me that desperately desires to be discovered.
It is Wednesday afternoon, just two days after I began a process of re-integrating a portion of long-forgotten-and-rejected magical energy from childhood.
As I sit in quiet meditation, a feeling of frustration begins to consume me. I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to move forward and I desperately crave Keith’s assistance.
As Keith eventually begins working with me, I am quite surprised by what transpires. He quickly makes a series of specific tones with his voice and simultaneously taps me on the forehead, right on top of my third eye chakra.
“Play with that.” Keith tells me confidently. “I have helped to temporarily open up some energy flow in your third eye. In order for the change to become permanent you will still need to heal the emotional densities that are keeping it closed, but this should give you a good taste of what energies are patiently awaiting you.”
“Move the energy around and connect it with your third chakra.” Keith then instructs me. “And remember to play with it … don’t be so serious.”
As I go deep into meditation, frustration again begins to consume me. I focus on Keith’s instructions but I feel only a tiny bit of energy in my forehead. I am beginning to give up hope, beginning to flounder with diminishing confidence when the next metaphor finally implants itself firmly in my intuitive awareness.
I am suddenly quite aware of my little inner child Sharon. Her main energetic presence is down in my solar plexus, but I feel as if her arm extends up through my neck into my head, just behind my third eye chakra. In her hand is a magic wand.
Going deeper into meditation, I desire to have full access to this magic wand – a wand that has been dormant and powerless for so long. I clearly recognize that my job is to release the resistance – internal resistance that keeps me from accessing the repressed magic being symbolically shown to me.
My curiosity is peaked, yet I am clueless as to how to proceed.
The realization that I have a magic wand in my head gives me a sense of profound wonder, igniting a spark of hope in my soul telling me that just maybe I am actually close to discovering more repressed magic inside of me.
Magical Theme Park
Suddenly, I feel as if I am in some type of theme park. Usually, my meditations are done entirely with intuitive sensing and feeling, but this one unexpectedly brings in a faint visual component as well.
The entire theme park is dark and shutdown. Fear immediately consumes me – a fear that loudly reminds me of something that I seem to already know.
“I am not supposed to be here,” The inner voices scream loudly, accompanied by a feeling of intense anxiety. “I will get in deep trouble if anyone sees me inside the park.”
As I visualize a Ferris wheel nearby, a sense of deep curiosity pulls me even closer.
“I really want to sit on the bench seat at the bottom of the Ferris wheel.” I excitedly ponder. “No one will see me … yes … I will risk it … I will do it.”
As I approach the dark, dormant ride, a new sense of panic-filled awareness registers itself deeply in my heart.
“I am the guard.” The voice of clarity zooms into my awareness. “It is my job to protect this theme park, to keep other people out … and I’m definitely not supposed to be in here myself. I am supposed to be guarding the gate. If someone finds me actually sitting in one of the rides, I will probably lose my job.”
As I begin to turn around, hoping to return to my guard post before anyone catches me, a sense of deep curiosity again pulls me back toward the Ferris wheel.
“I really want to turn on the power and go for a short ride.” My inner passions begin to stir.
As I visualize myself approaching the power switch, sheer terror causes me to freeze as tears begin to form in my eyes.
“NO!” Another inner voice screams out in distress, “that is against all of the rules. You simply must not do that!”
A Symbol From The Past
“Brenda, are you available?” Keith interrupts my meditation mid-stream.
It seems that my presence is needed elsewhere on the porch. The unfolding of this beautiful metaphor of magic is temporarily put on the shelf, but the metaphor is only beginning to shed light to my path. Its significance will continue to unfold in powerful ways over the days and weeks to come.
Even now, as I write about this meditation seven weeks after the fact, I realize for the first time that the symbolism of a Ferris wheel is strongly connected to my present-day spiritual journey. Around my neck I wear a very special necklace with a round medallion – a circular medallion with six flat spokes.
Nearly three years ago, when my channeling friend Trish first told me about a symbol that my guides were trying to communicate to me, she had described it as being like a Ferris wheel. Then, as she drew what was being shown to her on a piece of paper, she recognized the similarity to a necklace that she owned – a necklace that she was subsequently guided to give to me. It was recognition of this same symbol that caused me to sign up for the Sun Course – which subsequently led to my meeting Keith – which is now introducing a magical theme park that exists somewhere inside of me.
Roommate Reunion
As I return home from a magical day on Keith’s porch, I am excited to find Peter already making himself comfortable in to my spare bedroom. The two of us enjoy a delightful reunion and catch-up conversation over burgers and fries at a local restaurant. I am totally excited to see where my synchronous friendship with Peter may lead, but even more excited by the fact that tomorrow is my fifty-sixth birthday.
Just one year ago I celebrated my fifty-fifth birthday in a tiny little Mayan village nestled in the mountains of southwestern Belize – a village where I was first exposed to the growing of cacao. It is hard to believe that I have now been in Guatemala nearly an entire year – a year that has been totally blessed by the continued exploration of cacao under the amazing assistance of Keith, my favorite Chocolate Shaman.
Who’s The Boss
As I awaken on March 10, my beautiful birthday morning, the mild pressure in my third-eye chakra continues. I know in my heart that the cloudy feeling has something to do with the magic that continues to remain closed off and shut down inside of my head.
I just happen to already have a scheduled morning private appointment with Keith – another beautiful little synchronicity that coincides perfectly with my desire to further explore the theme park metaphor – a metaphor that overnight has expanded into an entire clone of Disneyland.
After I bring Keith up to date on my meditative journey, he surprises me with his first question.
“Who is your boss?” Keith asks the obvious question. “Just who is the employer that has hired you to guard the gate, to keep intruders away from your magical theme park?”
“I’m not sure.” I answer feebly after meditating for a few minutes. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
Master Control
“Go find the Master Control Center.” Keith guides me further into meditation. “When you find it, start turning a few of the rides on and then off again.”
Again, I feel unsure of myself, stumbling around in confusion and fear, not feeling any clear internal guidance. I am stuck and unable to follow Keith’s guidance.
“The wand in your head is the control center.” Keith finally chimes in.
“Yeah, I know.” I reply as I intuitively figure the answer out at nearly the exact same moment.
“Inner voices are telling me that I have to guard this place, to keep it dark, and to keep it safe from intrusion by others.” I begin to clarify my metaphor with Keith.
“Who is that voice?” Keith asks as he again pushes me to discover just who the boss might be.
“That boss is a forgotten part of me.” I finally speak intuitively. “My own internal voice is the boss. It is the logical perfectionist, the pessimistic naysayer, the ‘keep-me-safe’ voice that has protected me all of these years in a left-brained world of rules and structure.”
“In fact,” I add, “I can easily recognize that this voice has figuratively saved my life many times during the periods where embracing structure was the only way I could survive.”
“Now just who is the boss and who is the employee?” Keith asks another question.
The answer is obvious – I am the real boss, and that voice is merely a part of me that was once given a job to protect me and my magic. Now that the protection is no longer necessary, the voice refuses to leave, insisting that he must remain in charge of keeping that magic turned off and locked up.
Trial Opening
Over the next few hours, Keith and I work together in meditation as I bring light to my magical theme park, temporarily turning various rides on and off, visualizing people walking around in the daylight. Throughout the meditation, I feel safe and secure and nothing bad happens to me, nothing bad whatsoever.
To my delight, the deep fear of ‘getting in trouble’ seems to have dissipated, but the sense of dire responsibility in continuing to guard the theme park seems to be firmly rooted in place.
I also begin to feel a little confused and overwhelmed at the thought of being personally responsible to run an entire theme park all by myself.
“Climb up on top of the Ferris wheel and take a look around.” Keith coaches me deeper.
As I scan my surroundings, I realize that I have an entire crew of angels just waiting for my instructions, just waiting to maintain the park and to run the rides etc… All I need to do is make my intentions lovingly clear, and the angels will do the rest. I don’t need to be the expert, and I don’t need to do it by myself.
“I think your old guard-voice needs a new job.” Keith guides me in a new direction. “Why don’t you put that voice in charge of new magical ideas?”
“He doesn’t think he can do that.” I reply after meditating for a few minutes. “That voice is so left-brained that such a task seems far beyond his abilities – and I myself have been shut down for so long that I don’t think I am capable of training him either.”
Return to Fear
As my private session winds to a close, Keith needs to switch gears in preparation for the afternoon ceremony. In the meantime, I return to my own individual meditative exploration.
Suddenly I again find myself back at the entrance to the theme park, feeling terrified by the thought of leaving my guard post. The entire park feels dark again as a deep sense of responsibility sinks into my soul. I simply cannot leave my post, not even for a few seconds. If I do so, something unwanted might get inside.
Trusting Higher Self
Soon after the afternoon chocolate ceremony begins, I update Keith with the latest details of my meditative saga.
“Ask your Higher Self to provide a temporary replacement guard for the theme park.” Keith begins to guide me back inside. “Then go with the old voice – the old boss – back into the park.”
“Look for a purple tent, somewhere at the back of the theme park.” Keith continues. “When you find the tent, your Higher Self will be inside. Ask the voice to go inside for his first session of job retraining under the direction of your Higher Self.”
Keith asks me to not go into the tent with the voice – to just allow Higher Self to take it from here. I find this request very difficult to follow. I seem to have strong control issues. A dominant part of me wants to be involved in everything. I want to know what is going on. I don’t want to be left out of the process.
“You don’t need to be there.” Keith again reassures me, finally convincing me to back off and to simply trust that my Higher Self can do this without my help.
As I continue in meditation, desperately anxious to discover the result of the discussion in the purple tent – a discussion taking place without my participation – Keith moves on to work with others.
Confusing Chaos
“Brenda, are you available?” Keith again pulls me out of my process, for the second day in a row.
I tell Keith that I am stuck and still in my own work, processing, meditating, and following metaphors, but he insists that he needs my help. I trust and let go of attachments.
In a rare display of masculine energy, the group today is almost all men. The two other women who were present on the porch both leave early, leaving me surrounded by total masculinity.
Keith has asked me to work with a young man from Guatemala City – a deeply spiritual young man that Anton befriended and brought with him to the ceremony. As I hold his hands and begin to send him energy, I am mesmerized by the process. I am not quite sure just who is helping whom.
After a while, I begin to feel overcome by deep emotion. I am experiencing a feeling of deep inadequacy – a feeling of being incapable of sharing my magic when I am still confused and do not know what I am doing.
“Do I really need to cry?” I ask Keith for permission. I feel guilty slipping into my own process when I am trying to help someone else.
“Do whatever you need to do.” Keith simply replies.
The tears are right on the edge, but they do not come. I continue to hold energy-sharing hands with this beautiful young man, feeling the vibrating energy flow through me. I am still unsure as to whether I am the giver or the receiver.
“I brought him to the ceremony today to share energy with you.” Anton jumps in unexpectedly. “It is a Birthday gift to you.”
As Keith begins to work with Anton, a couple of the local Mayan women who hand-peel cacao beans for Keith walk onto the porch and interrupt the ceremony. While Isaias works with them for nearly an hour to weigh out a new batch of beans for them to peel, Keith totally surprises me by what he does and does not do.
I watch with amazement as Keith abruptly stops what he is doing, stands up, and walks into his house – saying nothing – simply leaving the ceremony while I perceive that chaos is unfolding.
Creating My Own Chaos
Rather than judging this unexpected behavior, I attempt to consciously remind myself that when such things happen on the porch, they are always perfect for my own growth and learning – that as I have learned many times before, I really am creating my own reality – that a huge growth lesson is in the process of unfolding.
But even with such awareness, I eventually lose myself in my emotions. I first try to meditate quietly while enjoying a beautiful opportunity to take myself deeper. However, as the delay grows longer and longer, chaotic judgmental energies begin to fester and boil inside of my soul.
“Keith should ask the women to be quiet … or to work faster … or to take their cacao beans somewhere else in the yard.” My emotions begin to whine uncontrollably.
“At least Keith could have the courtesy to announce to the group that we are taking a one-hour break so that I could leave and come back.” The whining voices in my head continue churning.
“This is rude and unprofessional.” I begin to pout to myself with a feeling of pompous judgment.
By now, I am emotionally lost. As I look around the porch, no one else shows any signs of annoyance. This only serves to make me more confused.
Painful Sounds
Soon, as the extremely chaotic energies completely overwhelm me, I begin to feel quite confused by the bizarre onslaught of what I perceive as physical vibrating pain. Every sound that echoes through the porch – and the porch is indeed very noisy – seems to send tremors of painful energy through my soul. I literally feel as if I am a punching bag, and that each sound is an angry fist, pounding me over and over.
The sense of physical assault by the energies is profound as I finally climb into Keith’s large green camping chair and curl up. I can no longer hold back the stream of tears as I succumb to the overwhelming and painful attack of energies.
“I know this is all my creation – simply designed to teach me something.” I whisper to Peter as he sees my tears and comes over to comfort me.
Seconds later, Anton also joins me, doubling the amount of masculine energy that is now assisting me.
Baffled by the extreme and confusing depth of the emotions flowing through me, I sink deeper into numbness as I attempt to muffle the tears that continue to stream slowly down my cheeks.
Shocking Words
As the women picking up cacao beans finally leave the porch, Keith returns and resumes working with the young man from Guatemala City – momentarily ignoring the emotional mess in which I now find myself.
A few minutes later, Keith turns his head and makes eye contact with me as Anton and Peter continue to provide me with loving energy. Recognizing that Keith is waiting for me to speak, I gather my energy and begin to verbalize my dilemma.
“I’m literally falling apart with all of the chaotic energies that I feel bombarding and attacking me.” I exclaim to Keith through tears that now unleash even stronger.
“That is what happened to you when you were three years old.” Keith shocks me with his reply. “That is what caused you to shut down the magical theme park. Since you could not handle the onslaught of negative confusing energies, you totally shut everything down.”
Immediately I recognize the beauty in what has taken place over the previous hour – that the entire scenario has been a synchronous setup to take me to my next lesson of personally experiencing emotions from my past. It never ceases to amaze me how Keith’s behavior so perfectly follows the healing energies of my Higher Self.
Energy Chaos
I suddenly recognize a common thread to many of my past emotional struggles. Countless times in my life I have experienced the overwhelming feeling of sheer chaos amid what feels to me like an attack by confusing energies. Whenever I have encountered such energies – and I can think of several times in just the last few months – I have a strong desire to shut down, to run away, and to avoid.
It feels great as I finally begin to have clarity regarding these energies.
Childhood Psychic Abuse
“But I had such a loving childhood.” I protest to Keith as he goes deeper into telling me about the intense psychic abuse that I went through as a child.
“Brenda,” Keith responds, “you were a very magical child, filled with divine light and genuine powerful connections to higher energies.”
“What happens to a young child who speaks the truth?” Keith asks a pointed question. “What happens when that truth embarrasses the parents, or does not align with their own deeply cherished belief systems?”
“No,” Keith continues to reassure me, “your parents and church leaders did not verbally abuse your magic and your innocence in a visible or physical way, but their underlying spiritual energies and beliefs did abuse and program you against your will, forcing you to sacrifice the truth that you knew inside.”
Keith again emphasizes that it was a psychic attack, done energetically, probably not even consciously – an attack of judgmental and cultural energies – of confusing beliefs about a God that would punish me, of pressure to conform and to obey in ways that did not ring true to my heart, and of subtle threats of rejection if I did not let go of my magic and conform to the consensus reality that was being forced upon me in the name of God and goodness.
“When you have a real and genuine connection to the divine,” Keith adds, “it literally feels like you are being killed when that connection is being psychically severed by well-meaning adults.”
“Today has been a beautiful re-creation of the pain that you felt at age three when you locked the doors of the theme park and turned off all of the lights.” Keith continues teaching me. “But your magic was not destroyed. It is still there, being guarded by you in a place where others have not been allowed to enter – where it has been kept safe.”
Could It Be?
I continue to partially resist Keith’s words.
Yes, I know that the re-created emotional shutdown I just experienced was indeed real.
Yes, my heart powerfully resonates true, telling me that this shutdown did indeed begin before my earliest of childhood memories.
But, nonetheless, the fact that I have no conscious memories of it happening still causes reasonable doubt to form. If I am honest with myself, however, I do have confusing memories of many times being quite angry and rebellious – memories of throwing tantrums and crying excessively, feeling victimized by unreasonable treatment and structure.
“Could it really be?” I ponder to myself. “I have absolutely no memory of this shutdown process – yet Keith’s words ring powerfully true at an energetic level.”
Return to Me
“There is an energy around you – a part of you that wants to come back to you.” Keith soon tells me.
I can only assume it is the same energy that I tried to bring back earlier in the week, but was unable to fully embrace because of internal resistance.
“Where is it?” I ask with curiosity, as I am still not fully tuned in to such energies.
“Right in front of your forehead.” Keith replies with confidence.
For the next thirty minutes Keith coaches me as I attempt to bring this energy back in. I struggle with doubt and feelings of inadequacy as I attempt to facilitate the process with the help of rational mind. Finally, I feel as if I have indeed established a small filament of a link – just enough to allow a tiny flow of this energy back into my heart. I sense the flow ever so faintly – but it is strong enough to help me believe that it is really happening.
Sharp Sternum Pain
As the energy slowly flows, I again feel a sharp pain at the center of my sternum, right at the exact spot where I felt the energy connect. This is the third time this week in which I have felt this puzzling energy – an energy that feels like something stabbing me right in the heart.
For the next thirty minutes, Keith works with me in meditation to gradually increase the flow, after which we put the process on autopilot.
“The energy might flow for as long as eighteen hours or more.” Keith coaches me. “All you have to do is check in periodically to make sure it is still flowing – and then don’t worry about it.”
Birthday Blessings
My birthday ends with a delightful treat of a different kind. Isaias, Keith’s wonderful helper and now my dear friend, invites me to dinner at a local restaurant. Keith and several others also join us.
While at the restaurant, another friend walks up and provides me with some amazing feedback.
“As I bump into people around town,” my friend tells me, “lots of people tell me about your powerful presence on Keith’s porch – talking about the amazing energy gifts that you are developing.”
I love the gift of a delicious meal from Isaias, the gift of amazing friendship from Keith and the others gathered with me, and the gift of beautiful feedback from my friend.
But my favorite birthday gift is a much deeper understanding that I do indeed have an amazing magical theme park living somewhere inside of me – that the control center for that theme park is a magic wand that also resides within, currently being kept safe by my little inner child – that the theme park was shut down for protection and preservation when I was a child being programmed to be a conforming citizen.
Best of all is the birthday awareness that this magical theme park is untarnished, ready and waiting for me – waiting for me to clear away the emotional densities that continue to keep it buried – waiting for me to wake up to the truth – waiting for me to fully believe in myself.
It now seems quite clear to me that no magic has ever been withheld from me. Instead, the magic has always been present inside, just waiting for me to wake up to who I really am.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved