Brenda's Bicycles

Eleven days have zoomed by since I last wrote – eleven days filled with the hustle and bustle of non-stop activity. To my own surprise, I have not felt much like writing during this busy interim. I have found myself even beginning to resent the feeling that I have an implied “obligation” to write. I fully realize that this “pressure-to-write” is self imposed, and have responded to my rebellious feelings by giving myself the freedom to simply settle-in a bit before again putting on my writing cap.

Three of those days were occupied by trips to Panajachel – trips to get cash, to shop for kitchen items, to purchase food staples, and to run miscellaneous errands. Four of those days were partially consumed with uploading of photos and the publishing of my first photos in over three months. The rest of the time has been a flurry of unplanned social activities and spiritual gatherings, intermingled with dedicated attempts to catch up on my backlog of email communications.

But it is not about this mundane activity that I desire to write. Instead, I feel a deep desire to document my emotional journey of this past week – a journey that again has me ripping down resistance layers of ego and fear.

Dr. Bill

During the first few days of my post-Sun-Course settling-in, Sandra shared a few details with me regarding a very interesting man that she had met. On the one hand, I found myself feeling deep resistance and judgment. On the other hand, a hidden part of me was deeply curious. Bill has developed what many of the local gringos refer to as the “zapper” – a little battery operated device that is capable of sending various frequencies of weak rhythmic electric shock pulses through the body via a small probe held in each hand.

For a couple of months I have overheard several of my friends talk about how they have been getting “zapper” treatments to kill certain types of intestinal parasites, claiming that the treatments actually killed their little internal nutrition suckers. I never publicly expressed my self-righteous judgments, but I invariably walked away from such conversations having a smug holier-than-thou resistance-filled attitude while silently proclaiming that I would never submit myself to believe in such silliness.

Yet something about Dr. Bill intrigued me, even though I had never had an encounter involving more than a mere handshake. My inner judgment and resistance fought to dismiss him as an inconsequential flake – but something inside of me bordered on extreme curiosity – an internal force telling me that once again it was time for me to lower my defenses and to forget everything that I think I know.

A few days later I overheard someone say that Bill was teaching classes. Still not sure if I would attend, I made a mental note of the place and times. On Tuesday of last week I responded to a last-minute prompting and found myself walking across San Marcos with the intention to attend a class taught by this very intriguing man. I ended up participating in four such classes last week.

The essence of Bill’s teachings involved spiritual psychology regarding the undoing of the ego, combined with a fascinating mix of stories regarding his lifetime of Shamanic experiences. I did not realize it at the time, but Bill himself is a Shaman.

On that first Tuesday, Bill brought a zapper with him. After just a few minutes of group zapping, I found my frozen ice-cold resistance melting into a puddle of nothingness.

But it was not the zapper that most fascinated me. Instead it was Bill’s story. Bill grew up in the northern Midwest of the United States. I know only sketchy details, but I will share a few things that I have gleaned over a period of four classes. Bill’s grandfather was a shaman – from what shamanic tradition I do not know. Bill’s mother had not embraced her father’s traditions, choosing instead to follow a traditional Christian path. But at the same time, Bill’s mother allowed her father to teach shamanistic traditions to Bill beginning at a very young age.

In our classes, Bill has shared many fascinating stories regarding his Shamanic and Astral experiences – many of which began at the young age of three. Shortly after finishing high school, Bill completed his first University degree, most of which was doubled up with his high school education. During his lifetime (I would guess he is probably about my age or a little older), Bill has had over seventeen years of University education. I do know that he is a Chiropractor and also has a Masters degree in tropical medicine. Bill has also briefly hinted about having once been a psychology professor – but again I have only gleaned little snippets from classroom discussion.

What most fascinates me about this amazing man is his devotion to providing free medicine to indigenous people in the jungles of Guatemala. His love is to go deep into the jungles, visiting remote groups of Mayan people who have no other access to medical assistance. He has talked about loading up mules and hiking ten hours into the backcountry. In other places he has been dropped off by a helicopter. He usually stays in these remote locations, places with no electricity or water, for up to two weeks at a time while operating a free medical clinic for the local indigenous people of the area. Not only does Bill give away western medical assistance, but he also freely uses his shamanic training to provide various forms of spiritual healings.

Through several of his classes, I have experienced a silent little voice in the back of my heart begging me to get to know Bill better – telling me that I should strongly entertain the possibility of volunteering with Bill on one or more of his future expeditions. Right now, because of personal issues, Bill is taking a breather from such backcountry treks – but my persistent little voice is letting me know that participating in such an adventure is a very strong possibility.

But my encounters with Bill are also filled with an almost continuous background noise of resistance – resistance that wants to doubt, to question, to be skeptical, to be cautious. All week long, I have found myself engaged in a deep ongoing internal debate – a quiet pensive battle in which I am constantly questioning myself regarding “What is spirit?” and “What is Ego?”

Do I want to get to know Bill better because of spiritual promptings telling me to lower my defenses, quietly whispering that I need to open new doors of possibility? Or do I want to get to know Bill better because Ego thinks it would be incredible to learn more about his Shamanic background and that I could have some real fun writing about such a deep-jungle adventure while immersing myself into new cultural experiences.

The answers are still not been clear.

Deeping Resistance

Just as with my Sun Course, I have been deeply puzzled by the intensity of my resistance. Frequently, during the last ten days, I have found myself engaged in deep discussions with Sandra regarding my confusion about why this resistance seems to be boiling so furiously within my soul. As I explained to Sandra during many delightful one-on-one conversations, my resistance is not just about Bill – it is about a wide range of topics: alternative therapies, nutritional and health-food issues, Kabala, two specific healers here in San Marcos, various new-age healing techniques, and the list goes on ad infinitum.

I feel a need to explain that I feel absolutely no judgment toward these various topics themselves. I firmly believe that they are all based on the powerful manifestations of belief systems. When we believe something with deep conviction, we literally make it true for ourselves. Instead, my resistance is based on the fact that I don’t want to submit myself to these belief systems. I have my own cherished beliefs that have brought me powerful healing. I have believed that the “A Course In Miracles (ACIM)” path that I am already on is all I need to find that sought-after prize of enlightenment.

Somehow, in the depths of my mind, I have rationalized that my ACIM beliefs are “more mainstream”, perhaps more acceptable to society in general. If I am truthful with myself, my resistance of many new experiences has been all about belief systems and healing modalities that are more on the “fringe of the weird” – those beliefs bordering on the occult and more mystical traditions.

It all boils down to my struggling with the “Spiritual Doreen” personality that I processed during my Sun Course silence. As you may remember, I dabbled somewhat in personality healing regarding rejected personality aspects that caused me to project irrational judgment onto others. One of my biggest judgments had been aimed at flamboyant mystics – mainly aimed at the famous psychic and author, Doreen Virtue. I had once seen her speak and had totally rejected what I had judged as a flamboyant ego presentation of weirdness. I made up my mind at that time that I would never allow myself to appear to be like her.

If I am honest, my continuing resistance is still aimed at perceived weirdness. This is why I earnestly battled with my internal guidance to participate in the Sun Course. I had been trying to shun the image of those “crazy psychics” who work with Tarot, astrology, numerology, alchemy, and energy work in general. The last thing I wanted to do was to embrace such weird beliefs in myself. This is why I also had no desire to study Reiki. Now, I am a Reiki master, and have a greater appreciation for all of the above mentioned fields of study. I was forced to swallow my pride and resistance before allowing myself to embrace new opportunities for growth and understanding.

Prior to my Moon Course, all of these spiritual studies were unknown to me, yet I believed that they were weird and bizarre. I resisted them. I (Ego) wanted to have a wholesome spiritual image. Yes, I had a very spiritual Ego that wanted to be sure that I always looked good – not only to my conservative family and friends, but to society in general. Dabbling on the psychic fringes was the last thing that I had wanted to do. Today, I clearly understand that those fears were based on Ego.

Crystal Clarity

In the year prior to beginning my “Brenda’s Bicycles” journey through Mexico and Central America, I had previously faced my fears of one such alternative healing modality. Through my psychic friend Trish, I had learned about a man who performed healings using crystals.

“How stupid can that be?” was my initial reaction. But a deep curiosity drove me to schedule an appointment with him just a few months later. I had to know more. My heart would not let me brush away the idea. After that first session with Mont, my whole view of life shifted.

As the Universe often does, my first visit to Mont was blessed with an unexpected synchronicity – one that was very powerful for me. Literally, just over an hour before our visit, I had recognized strong and sudden symptoms of a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). I had suffered through many UTIs in the past, and I knew that for me they always seemed to come on suddenly, hitting me with furious intensity during the first night.

Already knowing what I had (based on vivid and painful past experience) I rushed over to a small medical clinic. To my amazement, they took me right in. After a quick urine check, they confirmed my self-diagnosis. Fifteen minutes later I had filled a prescription for antibiotics, placed the first pill on my tongue, and guzzled a swig of water to wash it down.

By the time I had finished this frantic rushing around, I still had less than 30 minutes remaining before my appointment with Mont was scheduled to begin. Because of past experience, there was no doubt in my mind that my symptoms would continue to worsen for about twelve hours before beginning to subside. I was not looking forward to a long night of running to the bathroom every ten minutes. I seriously considered calling Mont to cancel my appointment, but as I briefly meditated on “what to do”, a strong peace filled my heart telling me that the entire experience was a “setup by the Universe” – a setup that I had to see through to the end.

To make a long story short, my experience with Mont was amazing. Many times during our four-hour session I experienced the sensation of powerful energy rushing through various parts of my body, at times causing my legs to shake and vibrate as if a large electrical current were being channeled through me. Yes, I did have to get off the table two or three times during that extended session – but there is no doubt in my mind that I would have needed to run to the restroom at least thirty or forty times during that same four hour period if I had instead chosen to go home.

Mont brought an amazing peaceful energy to my body and soul, and by the end of the evening I literally felt healed and whole. To my delight and surprise, when I finally made it home to my own cozy bed, I was able to sleep through the entire night without getting up even one time. Yes, I completed my course of antibiotics “just in case”, but to this day my heart tells me that I had been healed that very night.

In a second visit with Mont, nearly a year later, shortly before beginning my current travels, my experience with Mont was quite different but equally peaceful and healing. During that session, Mont added amazing and resonating clarity to my “upside down bicycle dream”, further adding to my convictions regarding my need to travel and to write.

Chaotic Crystal Craziness

In mid-May, shortly after beginning my Moon Course, I discovered that there was a woman named Merrill here in San Marcos who was recommended as a powerful crystal healer. As I accompanied my friend Sam into Merrill’s home one day, I felt a strong intuition telling me to make an appointment with her. I was eager to have another experience similar to the ones I had experienced with Mont back home.

Before now, I have never written about my experience with Merrill, partly because I stopped writing during the Moon Course, but mostly because the experience turned out to be quite negative for me. I felt as if Merrill had been (excuse my French) a pushy bitch. Several things that she had told me simply did not feel right. In a wimpy door-mat response, I remained silent, stuffing my feelings down, burying my anger and my resistance, and enduring a long five hour session while silently fuming inside.

Before continuing, I need to interject that in these words I am documenting an emotional journey through which I passed. As usual, it turns out that my bad experience was all based on my own unhealed projections – all an inside job – but for a considerable time after this experience I tried to project blame and judgment outward onto Merrill. If you choose to not read on, please know that as of yesterday, I have successfully resolved my ongoing journey of craziness. I now experience a feeling of deep love and appreciation for Merrill.

But now, back to the story from May 13 …

After having left Merrill’s home shortly after 5:30 p.m. that evening, I found myself waiting in tears near the entrance of the pyramid temple – hoping to have a chat with a few of my friends as they emerged from the evening meditation that I had unexpectedly missed due to the extended length of my session with Merrill.

In the weeks and months that followed, I have projected considerable judgment onto Merrill. I tried not to gossip or to spread negative opinions about her, but invariably, as I have overheard others discussing the topic, I felt compelled to add a few of my own negative projections – warning others to be cautious and empowered – always couching my negative words with the biased opinion that “Merrill has many amazing psychic abilities, but insisting that she clouds it with her own unhealed perspectives.”

From May 13 onward, the thought of going back for a repeat visit with Merrill was akin to one of my worst nightmares. I think I would have rather been tasked with scrubbing every toilet in the village of San Marcos rather than returning to her treatment room.

One of several things that I had been most angry about during my session was that Merrill had the audacity to bluntly demand that it was time for me to stop sending support payments to my former wife. Yes, I had already known that the time for such a decision was not too far into the distant future, but I deeply resented Merrill’s words.

“How dare she make such a pushy and bold statement!” I thought to myself, “She does not have a clue as to the difficult healing journey that I have been on. She is not in a position to know better than me, just what it is that I need to do regarding this emotional wormhole of a topic.”

In fact, after talking to Merrill, I had redoubled my conviction to continue support payments, even though my obligation was completed. My heart and guilt simply would not let me stop. I was prepared to continue payments until I was penniless if that is what my heart continued to guide me to do.

Ironically, it was only a day or two later when I experienced a powerful past life regression where I was a Peruvian fisherman and farmer, raising a young girl who just happened to have the face and spirit of my former wife.

That amazing experience, whether it was real or imagined, served to release shiploads of mucky guilt from my soul while reinforcing an inner realization that perhaps the Universe was indeed telling me that the time to make excruciatingly difficult decisions was nearer than I wanted to admit.

The rest is history, and is already written in prior journal entries. Frequent dreams continued to trigger deep intuitive realizations that the time for painful choices had arrived – but I continued to ignore all such intuitions until yet another powerful dream visited me at the beginning of my Sun Course.

As I grappled with these unfolding promptings and intuitions, I began to soften my anger and resentment at Merrill – realizing that she had been right all along. At that time, I shifted from believing that she was the Devil, to simply believing that she had deep intuition, but she did not always know how to properly deliver her psychic messages without tainting them.

However I continued to soften my heart as one day I made a powerful breakthrough in forgiveness and releasing judgment. Right before beginning my 40 days of silence, I bumped into Merrill while looking for the town doctor to consult about a parasite tests. Swallowing my pride and humbling my heart, I approached her with a profound apology.

“Merrill,” I began, “I need to apologize to you.”

After she asked me why, I continued, “Because after our visit in May, I resented you and carried around considerable judgment and anger at you for what you said and how you said it. I need to tell you now that I am sorry, and to tell you that you were right about what I needed to do.”

What ensued was a very pleasant and healing conversation.

Throughout the remainder of my Sun Course, my understanding of Merrill continued to soften as other things she had told me began to make sense – but even with all of my forgiveness and attitude shifting, I still preferred the thought of scrubbing toilets over returning to see her again for yet another appointment.

Resistance is Futile

Last Wednesday, as I walked away from my second class with Dr. Bill, my dear friend Sharon (from my Sun Course) asked if I wanted to have lunch. As we started to walk away toward the restaurant, Sharon remembered that she wanted to pick up a crystal necklace that Merrill’s husband was finishing for her.

Feeling completely peaceful about following Sharon into Merrill’s home, I casually followed behind her. As I stepped across the threshold, I almost instantly became the unexpected recipient of a powerful flash of intuition.

“The time has arrived for you to face your fears and resistance.” The little Jedi voice silently whispered in my ear. “You need to schedule a new appointment with Merrill, and you need to talk to her about it today.”

Cowering in fear, I temporarily stuffed the intuition away, while at the same time realizing that there was no way that I was going to get out of this one. Two hours later, after Sharon and I enjoyed a delightful lake-view lunch, I retraced my steps back to Merrill’s small home.

Standing face to face with Merrill, I began to speak.

“My promptings are telling me that it is time to swallow my pride and to plow through my resistance.” I began. “I would like to schedule an appointment for next Monday. It is time for me to come back to see you again.”

Merrill just smiled as she told me that she had always known that I would be back to finish what we started.

A few minutes later I was climbing back up the steps of my second floor apartment. Peace filled my heart while a sense fearful resistance continued to beg for my attention.

Chocolate Covered Answers

For the remainder of last week, Sandra and I continued to have deep spiritual conversations in which we frequently discussed my puzzling journey of ego resistance. I was proud of myself for listening to the Jedi voices that told me to make the appointment. Something inside reassured me that the whole process of going back to see Merrill would be deeply healing for me – and that she had messages for me that no one else would give me.

I intuitively knew that many other people were capable of telling me what I needed to hear, but the message would only come through Merrill because I needed to plow through this new layer of fear and resistance.

In the back of my mind, I still considered the thought that I would rather begin scrubbing toilets. Even though I was determined to see this through, I began to feel huge butterflies in my stomach each time I pondered whether I had the proper emotional preparation to face Merrill from a space of pure unconditional love.

Sunday morning, as Sandra and I were discussing our respective plans for the day, I mentioned to her that I was thinking about going out to visit Keith (The Chocolate Shaman). There were a few things that I needed to tell him, and I was beginning to feel like it was time to go see him again. In my mind, I was envisioning that I would schedule the appointment for a few days out in the future.

Sandra first indicated that she wanted to walk out with me to schedule her own appointment, and that perhaps she would see him today (Sunday) if he had time. As she said those words, my own intuition screamed out “Brenda, you should see him today.”

To my amazement, Sandra then decided that Monday would be better for her, and simply asked me to make an appointment for her.

As I walked alone toward Keith’s home, a strong feeling prodded me that I actually needed to see Keith before visiting with Merrill on Monday.

For the first thirty minutes, Keith and I just talked business. He needed the email address of one of my friends, and I needed to share with him regarding a woman from Ottawa who had contacted me via my blog. She plans to come to San Marcos in early 2011, and would like to film a documentary. She wants to heavily involve Keith in her plans and has even opened the possibility of me being part of the documentary as well. I have no attachment to anything whatsoever – but am deeply intrigued by the possibilities.

As Keith and I finished talking about busywork topics, I again looked him in the eye and asked for an appointment. As usual, I was not the least bit surprised when he responded “I am free right now.”

In past appointments, even though I have approached Keith with no agenda whatsoever, the topic of our session has always easily presented itself in an intuitive manner, usually through Keith. Sunday was quite the different experience. After meditating for a few minutes, Keith’s only words to me were “Brenda, I am being guided today to ask you to tell us where we need to take today’s session”

While feeling slightly disappointed that I was tasked with finding the answer, I proceed to close my eyes in meditation. I didn’t like my assigned task. I felt resistant to having to be the one to receive the guidance. I was feeling spiritually disconnected – something that I had rarely felt while sitting in a session with Keith.

As I continued to meditate and resist, the only thing that kept popping into my mind was how much resistance I felt, and how I have been grappling with this resistance all week.

Still feeling quite disconnected and resistant, I finally opened my eyes and told Keith that I think we need to discuss my confusing resistance. I told him about my upcoming appointment with Merrill, and about my week-long search to further understand why such resistance to alternative therapies is so strong in me.

For the next fifteen minutes, Keith used several meditative techniques in an attempt to guide me into deeper understanding. Throughout this preliminary time, I felt quite confused by the continued emptiness in my heart. Spiritual connectedness seemed to be skillfully evading me.

Finally, as my frustration began to reach its peak, I recognized the intensity with which I was deeply resisting the process of facing and analyzing my resistance.

I chuckled out loud when the absurdity of this paradoxical situation hit me between the eyes. As soon as I brought the light of awareness to this resistance paradox, peace began to settle back into my heart, spiritual connectedness began to grace me with its presence.

As sessions with Keith go, yesterday’s was the most simple of any I have had. After perhaps 90 minutes, I was happy and filled with deep peace.

In the midst of our discussion, Keith had guided me to discover a beautiful safe space – one that I could now use in my session with Merrill. The safe space involved an imaginary shelf where I could place uncomfortable items for later analysis. If Merrill were to tell me something that causes deep resistance to swell in my heart, I can simply put that thought on an imaginary shelf for later examination. There would be no need for me to stuff emotions nor would I feel a desire to confront her in any way.

Deep peace filled my heart as I basked in the realization that I would be able to listen to Merrill with a completely open heart and mind. If resistance were to surface in my session with her, I had a beautiful choice. On the one hand I could respond with love and explore the resistance with her. On the other hand, I could simply take any areas that caused me confusion and push them onto the imaginary shelf. Then, at a later time, as I meditate on the issue, I can use my own heart filter to discover my own personal truth.

Clarity filled my heart as I recognized that I have developed a profound ability to trust intuitive promptings over the last several years. With absolute faith, I have so much confidence in the Jedi voices of my heart that I would trust my life to their whisperings.

On the other hand, I suddenly realized while talking with Sandra on Sunday that I have been using my intuitive connection at far too coarse of a level. Many times in the past, I have taken such intuition at an “all or nothing” level. I have assumed that if I am intuitively guided to visit a certain therapist, then this means that I need to listen and believe what they tell me.

I broke this mold when I began to do the Sun Course “with an attitude”. Yet, during my first visit with Merrill I was still stuck in the trap. Yes, I had been deeply guided to see her, but at the same time I had struggled with her message. As fate would have it, it was as a result of my session with her that my desire to question authority was so deeply strengthened.

It is all so clear to me now. My experience with Merrill nearly five months ago was designed to teach me this very lesson. In fact, I firmly believe that the manner in which she delivered her messages to me at that time was also inspired. Perhaps if she had not been so forceful with me, I would not have remembered the things she said with such emotional conviction.

I now believe with all my heart that Merrill triggered powerful and much-needed growth that I may not have found in any other manner. In fact, I may not have uncovered the strength to “do the Sun Course with an attitude” had it not been for my seeming emotional confrontation with Merrill.

Yes, as a direct result of my May 13 session with Merrill (which by the way was on the exact 13^th anniversary of my rebirth as Brenda), I began a new phase of my life – a journey where I began to refine my application of spiritual intuition at a much finer level – a level where I now feel free to embrace or to ignore selective elements of an inspired encounter based on the trusted filter of my own heart.

As my session with Keith moved beyond my upcoming appointment with Merrill, I began to silently meditate while basking in the pure spiritual love that filled my heart.

Soon, I began to feel deep inspiration telling me that the time was approaching for me to begin filtering everything that I think I know using this much more refined level of intuition. As I verbally told Keith that I was feeling intuitively guided to question everything I believe, Keith gave me a better option – one that deeply resonated with my heart.

“Brenda,” Keith began, “if you were to do that it could be extremely overwhelming. I would like to suggest instead that you put everything you believe up on the same imaginary shelf that we have created for your session tomorrow with Merrill.”

After making this suggestion, Keith then told me to frequently connect with my higher self and to ask that it take things down off the shelf and bring them to me one at a time, in the proper order, allowing me to look at each belief as guided by Spirit. I felt so much relief as I pondered Keith’s suggestion. There was no doubt in my mind that if I had tried to do it my way, I would surely have felt overwhelmed and simply abandoned the project.

I now look forward to beginning this process as soon as some free time materializes.

Resistance 101

In the background of all of this, another parallel thread of resistance has been developing with a beautiful intuitive therapist here in town named Nadia. During my Sun Course, Sandra had told me what an amazingly intuitive woman that Nadia is – telling me how much she loved Nadia and how much she trusted her intuitions.

I was so intrigued with Sandra’s recommendation that I scheduled a massage with Nadia during the first week of my silence. This was the first massage I have had for over a year, and I was looking forward to a little relief from my tightening back muscles.

I had a beautiful experience with Nadia, but because I was in silence, I could not really converse with her – I did not have the opportunity to get to know her.

As the Sun Course came to an end, and as I reached clarity that I would be staying around for an open-ended period to study and grow with Keith, Sandra told me that Nadia had just announced that she was going to begin a new two-month healing course. The course was singing to Sandra’s heart and she had decided to participate.

Even though I will not begin studying with Keith until late November, I felt absolutely no desire to study with Nadia myself. The subject matter of the course involves a variety of alternative therapies, most of which sent my resistance into orbit.

Yes, I was absolutely excited that Sandra would be staying as well, and that we would be renting an apartment together. I was thrilled that the subject matter of Nadia’s course was singing to Sandra, but to me the same music sounded like an off-key choir of mute singers.

As I look back, my thoughts about Nadia’s course were probably the originators of my intense resistance battle during the past two weeks. Yes, I have to admit that a deeply hidden part of me was deeply curious about Nadia’s course, while a major ego part of me was screaming loudly “no way will I do that myself … I want to have the next two months free to do my own quite retreat-like experience while I prepare to study with Keith.”

Marvelous Merrill

The story only gets more interesting from here. Yesterday as I spent four hours with Merrill, I had a wonderful experience. Not once did she say or do anything to trigger any negative feelings in me whatsoever. Yes, there were several things that I put on the shelf last night as I began to try to remember all of the things we discussed during that long session – but I came away feeling happy, balanced, and eager to process my experiences and resulting emotions.

One thing that had puzzled me was that Merrill pointed out how much sadness, victimization, and anger that I was still feeling and exuding through my energy. I was completely surprised by her statement, yet without resisting I opened my mind to the possibility that there might be some truth in her words. As she held her hand over my heart, describing the confusing energy waves that were leaving my body, I simultaneously felt the emotions of sadness and victimization enter my confused mind.

During the session I had begun to realize that many suppressed emotions were indeed struggling for release. Most of those emotions were centered around the fact that my heart wanted to do certain things – yet lingering feelings of guilt, fears about what others might think, and strong resistance issues were all contributing to the continued suppression of deeply held heart desires.

As I walked away from Merrill’s home, having had what felt like an amazing experience (an experience which I may or may not write about further), I was still experiencing the puzzling feelings of emotional suppression regarding the unidentified desires of my heart that were still being suppressed. I intuitively knew that my heart indeed wanted freedom to expand in ways that were still not being allowed by ego.

Confusion Central

As I arrived back at my apartment, shortly after 1:30 p.m., my dear friend Sharon was on the porch chatting with my neighbor. I greeted Sharon with a loving smile, but quickly indicated my desire to go inside to write and to process my experience with Merrill.

But as Sharon and I began briefly chatting, I felt deep intuition to delay my own ponderings and to continue the friendly discussion with Sharon.

Sharon was in the midst of trying to figure out her own next move – trying to decode her own heart’s desires as to whether she should remain longer in San Marcos or whether her heart wanted her to travel some more – a classic battle between head and heart – a debate in which the role of ego and Spirit were very elusive.

Sharon was sitting on the fence about possibly participating in Nadia’s healing course. I did my best to hold a high-vibration energy space while occasionally asking thoughtful questions or relaying messages – the source of which seemed to be channeled through me. As I did this, I continuously focused on striving to be useful in helping Sharon find her own inspired clarity from within, while at the same time being as careful as possible to not interject my own personal opinions or biases.

After a while, Sandra arrived, and the three of us engaged in yet another similar conversation in a search to help inspire internal clarity.

As this conversation unfolded, I felt my own tug-of-war. A large part of me wanted to excuse myself to go write, but intuition strongly guided me to remain present in the conversation.

As the afternoon grew late, Sandra indicated that she needed to go talk to Nadia about something. Sharon soon indicated that she wanted to go too, and I felt a spark of intuition telling me to tag along. I wanted to ask Nadia about the possibility of attending a short portion of her class – a segment dealing with Sacred Geometry – without having to commit to the entire course.

To my amazement, as Sandra, Sharon, and I sat with Nadia in her living room, Sharon suddenly blurted out that she has decided to stay in San Marcos to participate in Nadia’s course. The next thing I know, I am asking Nadia about the possibility of attending only the Sacred Geometry section. I was quite please when Nadia indicated that she would have no problem with that.

What came out of my mouth next totally caught me off guard. I found myself expressing deep curiosity about the entire two month course, asking Nadia to explain it all to me. As Nadia lovingly described the various topics we would be working with – most of which still did not resonate with me – I found myself telling her that my intuitions are deeply intrigued with the possibility of doing the entire course – and that my present internal guidance was telling me that attending the course was a likely outcome of my searching.

As if the Universe had it all planned, Sandra mentioned that we were all going to the Japanese restaurant for a quick dinner. Seconds later, Nadia asked if she and her husband could join us. Something inside of me was quite clearly guiding me to make the decision to do the course – but I was not quite clear whether the goal of the intuition was for me to do the course, or if I was simply being guided to drop my resistance by expressing my open willingness top study with Nadia.

Sleeping For Clarity

As my head hit the pillow last night, I felt deep guidance telling me that I would be participating in Nadia’s entire two-month course. At the same time, however, I felt a strong intuition telling me that I needed to sleep on it in order to see how I feel about it on the next day (today, Tuesday).

As I awoke this morning at 3:15 a.m., I soon found myself sitting cross legged on my pillow, meditating for over thirty minutes, seeking further clarity and guidance. The only thing I felt was confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. I was disconnected from Spirit – disconnected from Higher Self. My doubts had taken over, and my fears were once again telling me “No, do not even consider Nadia’s class.”

Around 7:00 a.m., Sandra and I had a delightful spiritual conversation, one in which I again expressed my festering pool of confusion and doubts. But I was not doing so as a victim seeking advice, I was doing so as an interested third-party observer. I simply described the inner battle that I was witnessing unfold inside of me. Even in the midst of my confusion, I remained detached from the outcome, deeply trusting that what I was experiencing is a part of my growth process.

As I sat discussing my internal observations with Sandra, I was deeply inspired by a few strong intuitions. The first that hit me was that I needed to cry – I needed to access and release the store of buried emotions causing this internal battle. The second intuition that hit me was that I needed to spend today writing. Intuitively I knew that writing about this journey would help me sort out all of the confusing threads of the past few months – I knew that writing would bring the clarity that I lovingly seek. The third intuition was that tomorrow I will again go visit with Keith. I do not yet know why, but I know it is all related to my growth and healing – all related to my efforts to dissolve the ego resistance that is preventing my heart from fully blooming.

Amazingly, I have now completed the first two intuitions. Shortly after 7:30 a.m., Sandra left for a day trip to run errands in Panajachel. Within minutes I was playing a song on my IPOD – a song that flashed into my mind as the source of much-needed tears. The song was “Close Your Eyes” by Michael and Jeff McLean – the same song which I have highlighted several times in my blog. This beautiful little song deals in a beautiful way with facing fears and with reconnecting to Source – both of which I desperately needed to do.

As I began listening to this inspired music, I spent most of the next hour sobbing and meditating over the feelings in my heart. Shortly before 9:00 a.m. I began today’s writing marathon, stopping only for a delicious lunch of my favorite vegetarian burritos. The more I have written, the more my passions have flowed – the more my internal clarity has surfaced.

Tonight, at shortly before 5:30 p.m., deep clarity now resonates with my soul. I have before me a powerful opportunity. Nadia is indeed a deeply intuitive woman with an amazing toolbox of alternative healing skills and talents. While I may not currently resonate with all of the topics of her upcoming class, my heart is clearly telling me that I cannot and must not pass up this opportunity to rub shoulders with an amazing healer.

I believe that what the Universe is telling me is that I need to do the healing course – but that I need to do it with my eyes wide open – doing it with my intuitive heart filter finely tuned to my own higher self. If I do so, I will have amazing growth that will bless my life and guide me further down my own passionate path to be a healer – a healer of my own life – and if so guided, a healer that can help to inspire others to heal their own issues.

In many ways this whole process reminds me of my resistance battle with doing the Sun Course. One thing that I have powerfully learned is that when deep intuitions are involved, resistance is still futile.

I think I will reserve my final decision till tomorrow morning, but I have a strong feeling that come October 13, I will begin yet another fascinating journey into the hidden realm of my heart – a journey into a two month healing class where I will have the opportunity to learn from an amazingly intuitive woman.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved