Brenda's Bicycles

 
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Friday, August 27 – 7:00 p.m.

After enjoying every bite of my oatmeal with fresh pineapple and bananas, I took a short little walk down to the waterfront this morning. I was just curious to see where all of the recent rains have ended up. To my surprise, I discovered that that beautiful covered boat dock here in San Marcos is now completely under water. A new makeshift one has been built about three feet higher, right on top of the same posts. The main covered waiting area – an area that I estimate used to be at least eight feet above water level when I arrived in April – is now only a few inches above water level, and even the smallest of waves wash over its surface. The rains just keep coming, and we are still just barely over half-way through rainy season.

*  *  *  *  *

Today has been one of intense meditation. Even the yoga this morning was very meditative. We are in the first few days of a new Moon Course – a time when our yoga teachers focus a great deal on slow breathing techniques. Except for two meal breaks and my short walk, I have been pretty much meditating all day long.

Between oatmeal and burritos, I spent about three hours lying flat on my bed, focused intently on very deep breathing, while simultaneously practicing energy work on my body. It still never ceases to amaze me – or to puzzle me – how every time that I do this I discover that I have to do it differently if I want to get anything to work for me. After considerable concentrated effort, I finally managed to get a mild relaxing energy envelope vibrating throughout my body all the way up to my neck. As I focused intensely on trying to move the energy further up my neck I noticed that the energy instead began to follow the path of my tight hard neck muscles right back down into my upper shoulders.

It was amazing as I followed and partially guided the energy into areas of my denser muscles which have been tight and stiff. I literally felt as if the energy pulses were going in with gentle little waves as they began pushing their way through my denser tissues. It was quite the awesome feeling to sense little streams of the energy working their way around the insides of my shoulders and lower neck muscles.

Then, rather than returning focus back to my neck and above, an intuition guided me to return my focus back to my lower abdomen – the areas of my second and third chakras – the source of so many anxiety and/or panic attacks throughout my lifetime. What happened next totally surprised me.

Using the will of my conscious mind, I became a cheerleader and conductor as I asked the cells in my abdomen to begin the same process that I had just experienced in my shoulders. I gently coaxed and prodded (mentally) my abdomen, urging it to let go of its years of stored up emotional energy, to begin allowing the light (energy) in – to allow and to trust these energies to detoxify and to cleanse the old energy.

With deep love in my heart I focused my concentration on my tummy. Finally, after about ten minutes, I felt an initial sharp little twinge on the left side.

“That’s it.” I spoke to my tummy. “That is a good start. Now keep at it … trust me … we can do this … it will be safe to unlock the toxins of all of these old buried emotions … we don’t need the old stuffed-away energy any more.”

To make a long story short, within another fifteen minutes or so, the energy gradually intensified and began working its way outward, beginning at a point in the middle of my lower abdomen (below my belly button) and gradually spreading out in an ever expanding three-dimensional sphere. It was quite amazing to feel sensations inside of my body in areas where I have felt nothing for as long as I can remember – that is nothing except anxiety and panic when intense fears once gripped my soul.

The more the energy spread, the more I consciously cheered it on, congratulating my cells as if they were each individual consciousnesses – and as if I were their elected leader.

Finally, after about 45 minutes, I felt intuitively as if I were nearing the final bursts of energy clearing of these old buried, stored emotions. The energy had not only cleaned out below my belly button, but had worked its way all the way up through my solar plexus as well, right up to the borders of my rib cage. As the final bursts of energy tingled away, I imagined my struggling emotions as a ten year old, then as an eight year old, and as a five year old, and then even as a three year old. I felt quite emotionally tender as I imagined these final buried emotions being liberated and evaporated.

As my intuition told me that the final energy had at last been cleared, I felt a wave of warm, gently vibrating, peaceful energy throughout my abdominal area. I began to silently shout congratulatory messages to the hundreds of thousands of cells that had participated in allowing this healing energy to spread throughout the area – in allowing and supporting this joint effort. I literally knew that each cell had united together in a group effort, each doing its part.

To test my theory, I asked all of the cells to cheer and applaud together, in celebration of what they had just done. I simply giggled as I immediately felt waves of peaceful, high level vibrating energy roll around in my abdomen with every request to cheer some more.

As I thought that I was totally done, I was quite surprised to feel some more energy twinges right at the top of my solar plexus, attempting to move up the front of my rib cage.

“What the heck,” I told myself, “let’s go for it.” After about 30 seconds of focused concentration, I was quite surprised by what happened next.

Many times in my life, I have felt sick to my stomach during various science fiction movies when the villains put some kind of living creature inside the body of their victim. Invariably, the creature begins to crawl around inside the body, pushing its way along, right under the surface of the skin.

What I sensed just under the skin of my chest felt exactly like something crawling around inside of me – only the sensation was very peaceful and pleasant. Throughout the whole experience, I was blessed with a strong intuitive reassurance that this was some type of cleansing energy that was opening up energy channels – a type of roto-rooter so to say. The energy began its journey from the top of my solar plexus, at the very bottom of my front rib cage. It slowly and methodically inched its way up the front of my chest in what felt like a two or three inch wide swath. The energy continued right up the middle until it reached a point about an inch or two higher than my heart, where it seemed to stop – as if it had gotten stuck.

After a few minutes of being stuck, I realized that my metal necklace medallion was right on top of where the energy was situated. Instinctively, I removed the medallion and quite soon I felt the energy resume its upward journey, right up into my neck, where it again stopped right at the edge of my jaw line. As it stopped, the thick energy envelope was wrapped around my entire neck.

The feeling was quite amazing – as if I was wearing a warm cushioned turtle-necked sweater that was hugging my entire neck. Using my will power and imagination, I mentally coaxed and prodded the energy, sending it imagined love, trying to get it to continue up into my head. But the energy seemed completely stuck right at the base of my skull – not budging at all – not even another millimeter.

After a while, my intuition told me to return my focus to my shoulders and hips. As I did so, I began to feel some mild energy work going on deep inside each of those joints. I did not get very far in this latter process, as my body told me it was time to head off for a lunch of delicious vegetarian burritos.

The previous three hours of intense mental and breathing focus left me feeling both exhausted and exhilarated. In many ways, what I did reminded me exactly of the work that I had done with Keith (the Chocolate Shaman) just last Friday – work where I had connected with a part of myself in a parallel dimension and had helped to offload some of its pain. Only this time, today, I was connecting with the thousands of such beings (cells) in my abdomen, doing the exact same thing. I actually came away from the experience feeling as if each cell was indeed a separate (but united) conscious entity, willingly participating in the process. In many ways, I believe that this is exactly what they are.

*  *  *  *  *

When I returned from lunch, I only had a little over an hour remaining before evening meditation. I decided to continue meditating, but taking a different focus. I again reclined flat on my back, but this time I tried to get myself into a deeply relaxed state in which I might be able to dream, or perhaps even Astral travel. I never reached any of those states, remaining fully conscious throughout the process – but I did have a great relaxing meditation just the same.

Now that I have caught up on my writing, I think I will go to bed (8:15) and see what else my higher self can teach me to do. I am tired, but very eager to find out.

Sunday, August 29 – 6:00 a.m.

Yesterday (Saturday) was a less-than-spectacular ho-hum day. From start to finish, I went through all the “proper” motions, doing what my heart told me to do, but I never quite seemed to connect with the rich energy that I so long to have as an integral full-time part of my life.

To add insult to injury, I have had no noteworthy dreams for quite some time – still not connecting with the Astral realms in any memorable way, shape, or form. I am not even remembering basic dreams. Chaty continues to emphasize the importance of developing our dream skills, and I recognize that around the full moon is a prime time to do so – but I continue to come up empty.

Each time that I begin to feel as if I am a failure, I remind myself of all the incredible guiding dreams with which I have indeed been blessed – and I gently reassure myself that every one of those dreams happened at exactly the perfect times. I have never had control of my dreams – but even so, they always have ideal timing, happening exactly when they need to.

“Things always happen exactly as they are supposed to happen – but only 100% of the time.” I repeatedly reassured myself.

I still love to repeat my favorite bathroom-door poetry – the one that begins like this: “Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.” Invariably, this simple phrase grounds me in reality – filling me with the deep peace and trust of present-moment focus – reminding me to not worry about anything other than my reaction to this very present moment – a moment that is indeed perfect.

 

Magic Pills

As I lay in bed quite early this morning, I was reminded of an email I received last Thursday from a very dear friend. I wish I had a copy of her email with me, but I have not been on the internet since my last blog posting on Thursday, and I will have to wing it from memory.

I will not identify my beautiful friend by name or location. She knows exactly who she is. For all practical purposes, she is me – and she is you. She could easily be each and every one of us. My response to her email is indeed for all of us.

In her beautiful email, my dear friend expressed deep internal frustration and confusion as she allowed herself to freely vent her emotions. She mentioned that she had not written to me sooner because she wanted to honor my silence, but for some reason she wanted to communicate her internal unrest now. She acknowledged that she did not know if she would receive a response – even though she would be secretly hoping for one.

My initial thought was to say “No, I cannot respond to her. I am in silence. She will understand.”

That very evening, deeply desiring to send love to my friend, I connected with her energetically. I engaged in a loving exchange of energy, sending pure love in her direction. I have no idea if she felt that connection; I would love to find out. Whether she felt it or not, for me it was real, and the love and comfort were indeed sent.

In her beautiful letter, my dear friend expressed anger, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, and thoughts of being trapped in an ordinary world, facing ordinary challenges, while I am off having an amazing life-changing adventure. I did not feel as if my friend’s anger was directed at me. On the contrary, I felt as if her anger was directed at herself, as if to say that she was a failure for not doing more exotic things in her own life – wishing she had the freedom to so something like I am doing.

As I rested in bed early this morning, trying to go back to sleep, my mind became more and more active as I realized that I would indeed be replying to my dear friend’s email – but not through normal channels.

Instead, I would be replying via my journal – via my blog. As I began to formulate words in my mind, a little urge just kicked me out of bed, telling me that “rather than think about what you want to write, just get up and write.”

So here I am.

*  *  *  *  *

For many years before I began my own “exotic” spiritual journey, I too felt trapped, and extremely frustrated. I was working as a computer software engineer in a career that increasingly felt like a “life sentence to left-brained Hell”. I felt as if my employer was a Federal Penitentiary, complete with high walls and razor wire – and I longed to be free of the perceived chains of this unwanted prison cell.

But a nagging little feeling inside kept reassuring me, telling me: “Not yet … trust me … be patient … stay where you are … you need to be here a little longer … you still have lessons to learn before you can move on.”

I hated going to work every day. I longed to be free to follow my heart in a new direction, but I blindly trusted the quiet inner voice telling me to stay where I was. That period of my life was very challenging, but through it all I passed through the heart of many incredible growth opportunities – learning to find love and peace in a situation that I was mentally rejecting. In fact, it was only after I fully immersed myself into that padded prison cell, doing so with love and surrender, that I was blessed with a layoff that included an incredible severance package – one which launched me forward – eventually permitting my present amazing journey.

*  *  *  *  *

As I sit here typing, early in the morning in San Marcos La Laguna, Guatemala, it may appear that I am living in some luxurious, exotic spiritual resort – surrounded on all sides by exciting and amazing things. In reality, I am sitting on a four-legged wooden chair, in front of a small unpainted four-legged wooden table in a cold, dimly lit, moldy room. The room is cramped, with straw mats for a floor, and I share it with lots of creepy-crawlies who also call this room their own home.

My surroundings are anything but luxurious or peaceful. Even as I write, a loudspeaker, perhaps a half mile away (but sounding as if it were next door), is blaring out services from a local church (yes, at 6:45 in the morning). The surroundings here can, at times, be quite noisy. But it is not just the churches trying to spread their message of enlightenment that brings in the noise. In the evenings, especially on weekends, the noise from local night spots can be quite penetrating.

Then there are the bottle rockets. You know the kind – the ones during a firework show that shoot up into the sky and then simply explode in a tiny white ball, giving off a loud and penetrating booming bomb-like sound.

The locals in Guatemala seem to have an affinity for using such bottle rockets for celebrating – and they love to celebrate at the craziest of times. Several of these booming bottle rockets were launched off by someone just this morning at around 5:00 a.m.. I hardly even hear the noises anymore. I have learned to simply acknowledge them and to accept them as “what is”. In fact, all this noise has greatly helped me to learn temperance – at least in the area where my ear drums are involved.

And of course, how could I forget the parasites. They are everywhere – in the water, on the vegetables, o the fruits, and even on the wet dishes. I am happy to report that I finally took my follow-up parasite test yesterday. I picked up the results just last night and, “Yippee, I am parasite free (at least for now LOL)”.

And then there are the sanitary conditions. The paths around town are mostly dirt, quite frequently mud. Great numbers of dogs roam freely throughout the town, casually strolling and lounging pretty much anywhere they like – including inside most restaurants. They can be so puppy-dog cute as they sit there staring at you with loving eyes, silently begging for food – but they are also quite dirty. Most are quite well fed, so when they wander by, I just send them a loving smile, making eye contact, and telling them energetically, “Sorry, no food today.”

These large dogs, many of them being quite beautiful, also leave their mark in the area of bodily waste. It is not uncommon to have to walk around chunks of dog poop as I walk from here to there. In fact, I quickly learned to never walk along without constantly looking down at the ground in front of me.

Then, when the frequent rains come, we have no village drainage system. Everything drains above ground. Large runoff streams form throughout the pathways all over town. I quickly learned to never wear shoes on a cloudy day – only flip flops. When it rains (which is very often), it is impossible to walk around without getting my feet drenched. And then, with every step in the streams or puddles, I always wonder how much of that flowing water might be saturated with dissolving dog poop.

Even right here in the pyramids, I often have to walk through a little stream of runoff water just to get to my outdoor bathroom at night during a thunderstorm. This stream is frequently several inches deep.

Oh, and did I mention that we don’t have a toilet seat, and that all of the smelly toilet paper needs to be lovingly placed in a basket beside the commode?

No, this is no luxury resort by any worldly standards … but I love it just the same.

*  *  *  *  *

But my intent here is not to write about rustic living conditions. My intent is merely to point out that “Wherever you are, there you are.” Yes, I love living in these rustic conditions, interacting with different cultures. But NO, living here does not make me any different, nor does it give me any special spiritual-growth advantage over someone living in a beautiful home in the suburbs of some clean, quiet, and comfortable neighborhood with green lawns back home.

My real growth does not come from being in unusual surroundings. Instead, my real growth comes from constantly questioning my internal beliefs about those surroundings, whatever or wherever they may be. With what I now know, I believe that I could experience the same growth while living literally anywhere in the world. The growth is not at all about an external journey; it is fully 100% an internal journey.

“Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.”

Daily life happens around us wherever we are. Our growth is a result of learning to love whatever happens, whatever it may be, and to find peace with these daily life lessons – whether they take place in San Marcos La Laguna, Guatemala, or in Rapid City, South Dakota – whether they take place in a three month spiritual retreat, or in a chaotic office building in Manhattan.

Our spiritual growth does not in any way shape or form depend on our surroundings. Our truly valuable growth is an inside job, and takes place anywhere and everywhere – wherever we find ourselves. The important thing is not our physical location, but our state of mind – how we approach each moment.

Do we face each moment with love or with fear? Do we face it with judgment or peaceful acceptance?

“Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.”

Yes, I am here at an exotic-sounding three month spiritual retreat in Guatemala, participating in forty days of silence. It sounds so exciting – so spiritual – so wonderful. Yes, I am having incredible experiences and am going though powerful intuitive growth – but the experiences are fleeting, and the growth ever so teasing. One day I have an incredible experience with the Chocolate Shaman, and the next I am wondering who yanked the carpet out from under me, trying to figure out how to once again reconnect with Spirit.

Every experience teaches me something amazing about myself, but as the next moment arrives, that old lesson no longer applies. I have a new present moment to face, a new treasure hunt in which to engage; and new resources must be mustered to face the new search.

In the midst of all the experiences about which I continue to write, I am finding that my real growth comes from facing my own internal personality issues. Yes, “Las Piramides Del Ka” gives me a serene backdrop and a beautiful temple in which to face these issues, but I now realize that if I were to discipline myself, I could face these personality issues anywhere in the world.

The same goes with the energy experiences. I have most of these growth experiences in the privacy of my own room – a room that could be anywhere in the Universe.

No, my current location does not give me any special advantage in the area of personal growth. It is my commitment to that growth that gives me the results – and that commitment can be made while living in Central America, or while living in downtown Seattle, Washington.

But what strikes me most powerfully is that each and every morning I must get up, run to the bathroom, put on my jeans (one leg at a time), brush my teeth, eat food, interact with others, and observe my reactions to situations. It is the latter that is the key – observing my own reactions to situations. That is where my real growth occurs. If I feel judgment, I no longer blame others for my experience. Instead, I look inside myself to discover what un-owned or unhealed personality trait is causing me to project my anger/ pain/ judgment/ fear/ etc, outward. If I feel love, I simply bask in the experience, inhaling more of that amazing energy.

“Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.”

No matter how exotic my experiences may sound in writing (and yes they have been powerful and amazing), these experiences are not some magical events turning me into a Superman. Yes, I would like to feel as if I am somehow elevating my consciousness to a higher level, but invariably, every single morning, I wake up feeling feel quite human, quite vulnerable, and quite puzzled about why I seem to have to start all over again.

There is no magic pill which somehow transforms me into a Superhero.

Or is there?

What is amazing, however, is that each experience does build on the other. As I stare in a mirror (I do occasionally get to see a mirror), I am gradually developing a deeper and more profound love – not just for what I see staring back at me, but for the entire world, including everyone and everything around me.

I am learning to recognize that, hidden under my skin, and under the skin of everyone around me, is indeed a full-fledged – but secret and well-hidden – Superman suit. Yes, we are all Superheroes. It is in our birthright. It is in our genes. We are all divine, and we all have access to discover and to develop the divine powers, intuitions, and energy gifts that we each inherit from our not-of-this-world heritage.

Each time that we begin to feel merely-normal, trapped by life, discouraged, depressed, angry, jealous, inadequate, or heavily burdened, there actually is a magic pill that we can take.

The “magic pill” is to focus on remembering who we really are.

The amazing thing is that we can access this memory from anywhere in the universe. It can be accessed while participating in a three-month retreat in Guatemala, or it can be accessed while searching for a job in Phoenix, Arizona.

In order to swallow this “magic pill” we simply need to go inside, to meditate, to quiet our minds of all the unnecessary chatter, and to connect with our higher self. The very moment that we reconnect with our higher awareness, we discover a beautiful and amazing divinity – a divinity that lives inside each one of us – a divinity that energizes a magical Superman suit that is built right into our skin – a divinity that IS us.

This Super-Human Divinity is our birthright; it is our heritage; it is our very being.

*  *  *  *  *

There is an amazing worldwide shift in consciousness taking place all around us. Even more incredible is that this shift is gaining powerful momentum from within our younger ranks – from the Indigo and Crystal Children who have been born in the last 25 years or so. One huge blessing from my travels is in having frequently connected with many members of an unbelievable class of young people (but very old and wise spirits) from all corners of the world – powerful souls who will help to usher in this planetary shift in consciousness in which we are all presently engaged – one which cannot and will not fail.

Each one of us can and will be a part of this energetic awakening, no matter where on the planet we live, no matter what we do for a living. It matters not whether we are a suburban mother with young dependent children, or if we are the CEO of a prestigious worldwide company. The important thing is to “know thyself” – to focus on the daily moment-by-moment details that we experience inside of our own individual experience.

We can each swallow that amazing “Superman” pill – each and every day – by simply reconnecting with the divinity that is all around us, that is indeed us. And yes, we need to ingest that magic pill quite frequently, because everyday life has a way of quickly hypnotizing us into forgetting our secret identity.

Did I say yet that it is all an inside job?

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved